The Impact of an Alcoholic Father: Gary's Story

In this blog post, we'll explore the profound impact of growing up with an alcoholic father, as seen through the experiences of Gary Wilber. Gary's story is one of navigating a challenging childhood, grappling with identity, and ultimately, transforming into a present and intentional dad. He shares his journey of breaking free from the patterns of the past and creating a new legacy for his own children. This post expands on the themes discussed in our latest podcast episode, Alcoholic Dad to Present Father (Become the Dad you NEVER Had). We invite you to listen to the full episode for a more in-depth conversation with Gary. We hope this post, along with Gary's story, inspires you to consider the impact of your own experiences and the potential for positive change.

Introduction: Gary's Story - From Alcoholic Father to Present Dad

Gary Wilber's story is a testament to the power of resilience and the possibility of transformation. Growing up with an alcoholic father cast a long shadow over his childhood, shaping his identity and influencing his early choices. However, Gary's journey is not defined by his father's struggles. Instead, it's a story of self-awareness, spiritual awakening, and a conscious decision to become the kind of dad he never had. This blog post delves into the key moments and lessons learned throughout Gary's life, offering insights into the challenges and triumphs of breaking free from negative patterns and embracing a new path of intentional fatherhood.

The Impact of a Weekend Drunk Dad on Gary's Childhood

Gary's childhood was marked by the unpredictable nature of his father's alcoholism. While not a daily occurrence, the "weekend drunk dad" created an environment of tension and uncertainty. Promises were often broken, and Gary's simple request for his father to play catch often went unanswered. This inconsistency fostered a sense of disappointment and a longing for a reliable paternal figure. The household was often filled with yelling and conflict, creating a stressful and unstable atmosphere for Gary and his siblings. These early experiences left a lasting impact, shaping Gary's understanding of fatherhood and fueling his desire to provide a different experience for his own children.

Escaping Home: Sports, Busyness, and the Search for Identity

As a way to cope with the challenges at home, Gary immersed himself in various activities. Sports, student council, and other commitments became his escape. He channeled his energy into achieving success and recognition in these areas, hoping to find a sense of identity and validation outside of his family. While these activities provided a temporary distraction and a sense of accomplishment, they also contributed to a pattern of busyness and a tendency to avoid dealing with the underlying emotional issues stemming from his childhood. This relentless pursuit of external validation ultimately left him feeling unfulfilled and disconnected from his true self.

The Strength of Mom: Loyalty, Marriage Vows, and Lessons Learned

Amidst the challenges of an alcoholic husband, Gary's mother remained a constant source of strength and stability. Her unwavering loyalty to her marriage vows, even in the face of adversity, left a lasting impression on Gary. He witnessed her resilience and her commitment to holding the family together. While Gary acknowledges the complexities of such a situation and the difficult decision of whether to stay or leave a hard marriage, he learned valuable lessons from his mother's dedication and her unwavering belief in the sanctity of marriage. Her example of perseverance and commitment served as a powerful influence as he navigated his own relationships and responsibilities.

Repeating the Pattern: From Alcoholic Dad to Workaholic Son

Unbeknownst to him, Gary began to repeat the patterns he had observed in his own father. While his father's addiction manifested as alcoholism, Gary's escape came in the form of workaholism. He poured himself into his career, driven by a desire to provide for his family and achieve financial success. However, this relentless pursuit of professional achievement came at a cost. He became increasingly absent from his family, both physically and emotionally, mirroring the behavior of his own father. This realization served as a wake-up call, prompting him to confront the unhealthy patterns he had unconsciously adopted.

The Wake-Up Call: A Spiritual Slap and a Fatherhood Transformation

Gary's transformation began with a spiritual awakening. He describes it as a "spiritual slap" that jolted him out of his complacency and forced him to confront the direction of his life. This turning point occurred during a men's retreat, where he was challenged to examine his priorities and his role as a father. It was here that he realized he was on a path to becoming the kind of father he had resented growing up. This profound realization ignited a desire for change and set him on a course of intentional fatherhood, marked by presence, engagement, and a commitment to breaking the cycle of absence and emotional unavailability.

Teenage Years: Navigating Manhood Without a Present Father

The teenage years are a crucial period for development, and for Gary, navigating this stage without a present father figure proved challenging. He lacked a reliable source of guidance and support as he grappled with the complexities of manhood, relationships, and identity. The absence of a father to answer questions and provide mentorship left a void that Gary struggled to fill. This experience highlighted the importance of male role models and the profound impact of a father's presence during a young man's formative years. It also fueled his determination to be a more present and involved father for his own children, ensuring they had the guidance and support he had lacked.

Finding a Role Model: Learning Real Manhood from His Wife's Father

In the absence of a strong paternal figure in his own life, Gary found an unlikely role model in his wife's father. This steady and grounded farmer embodied the qualities of real manhood that Gary had longed for. He observed his father-in-law's integrity, his work ethic, and his genuine care for his family. Through this relationship, Gary began to redefine his understanding of what it meant to be a man. He learned that true manhood was not about outward appearances or material success, but about character, responsibility, and a commitment to serving others. This mentorship played a crucial role in shaping Gary's own journey towards becoming a more present and intentional father.

Rock Bottom: The Embarrassment That Triggered a Turning Point

One particular incident served as a rock-bottom moment for Gary. He describes an occasion where his father embarrassed him in front of his friends during his high school years. This event, filled with shame and humiliation, became a catalyst for change. The deep sense of embarrassment and anger that Gary felt fueled his desire to break free from the cycle of dysfunction and create a different future for himself and his family. It was this painful experience that ultimately propelled him toward seeking help and embarking on a journey of healing and self-improvement.

The Power of Forgiveness: Letting Go of Resentment and Healing

Forgiveness played a pivotal role in Gary's journey toward healing and reconciliation. For years, he harbored resentment towards his father for the pain and disappointment he had caused. However, he came to realize that holding onto this anger was only hurting himself. With the encouragement of his wife, he began to explore the concept of forgiveness and its transformative power. He eventually reached out to his father and told him, "I forgive you." This act of forgiveness was not about condoning his father's behavior but about releasing himself from the burden of resentment and opening the door to healing. Gary emphasizes that forgiveness is more for the forgiver than the forgiven, as it allows one to move forward with peace and freedom.

Realizing the Legacy: Becoming the Dad He Never Had

A profound realization struck Gary as he reflected on his own childhood. He understood that his children would remember him in much the same way he remembered his own father. This awareness served as a powerful motivator, driving him to consciously choose a different path. He was determined to create a legacy of presence, love, and support for his children. This commitment to becoming the dad he never had became the guiding principle for his actions and decisions. He actively sought to break the cycle of absence and emotional unavailability, striving to be a father who was fully present in his children's lives.

A Shift in Priorities: Selling the Business to Be Present

To fully commit to his vision of becoming a more present father, Gary made a significant decision: he sold his business. This act symbolized a fundamental shift in his priorities. He recognized that his relentless pursuit of financial success had come at the expense of his family. By selling the business, he freed up his time and energy to focus on what truly mattered: his relationships with his wife and children. This bold move demonstrated his unwavering commitment to prioritizing his family and creating a more balanced and fulfilling life.

The Transformative Power of Cursillo: Finding God in Silence and Reflection

Gary credits the Cursillo retreat with playing a significant role in his spiritual transformation. This experience provided him with the time and space to disconnect from the distractions of daily life and connect with God in silence and reflection. During the retreat, he gained clarity about his purpose and his priorities. He experienced a deeper understanding of his faith and its role in his life. The Cursillo retreat empowered him to embrace a more intentional and faith-filled approach to fatherhood and to lead his family with spiritual guidance and wisdom.

Advice for Exhausted Dads: Showing Up When You Have Nothing Left

Gary acknowledges the challenges that many dads face, particularly those who are exhausted from work and the demands of family life. He offers practical advice for these worn-out dads, encouraging them to prioritize showing up for their families, even when they feel like they have nothing left to give. He emphasizes that small acts of presence and engagement can make a big difference in the lives of their children. Whether it's attending a sports game, helping with homework, or simply being available to listen, these moments of connection can have a lasting impact.

Marriage and Fatherhood: It's 100/100, Not 50/50

Gary challenges the common notion that marriage is a 50/50 partnership. He believes that it requires a 100/100 commitment from both partners. This means giving your all to the relationship, even when it's difficult. He emphasizes the importance of serving your wife, showing affection, and prioritizing intimacy. He also stresses the need for open communication and a willingness to work together to overcome challenges. This full commitment to marriage sets a strong foundation for fatherhood, as children thrive in a home where their parents are united and supportive of each other.

Men as Spiritual Leaders: The Importance of Presence and Faith

Gary advocates for men to embrace their role as spiritual leaders in their families. He believes that fathers have a responsibility to guide their children in matters of faith and to model a life of integrity and spiritual growth. He highlights the detrimental impact of absent fathers, not only on their children's emotional well-being but also on their spiritual development. By being present, engaged, and actively involved in their children's spiritual lives, fathers can have a profound and positive influence on their character and their relationship with God.

Simple Spiritual Habits: Bible, Prayer, and Daily Steps of Faith

Gary encourages men to incorporate simple spiritual habits into their daily routines. He recommends reading the Bible, praying regularly, and taking small steps of faith each day. These practices help to cultivate a deeper connection with God and provide guidance and strength in navigating the challenges of life. He emphasizes that spiritual growth is a journey, not a destination, and that consistent effort, even in small ways, can lead to significant transformation over time. These habits provide a foundation for spiritual leadership and enable fathers to guide their families with wisdom and grace.

Conclusion: Becoming the Dad You Never Had - A Journey of Healing and Intentionality

Gary's story is a powerful reminder that it's possible to break free from the patterns of the past and create a new legacy for future generations. His journey from growing up with an alcoholic father to becoming a present and intentional dad is a testament to the power of self-awareness, forgiveness, and a commitment to personal growth. By embracing his role as a father and prioritizing his family, Gary has transformed his own life and the lives of his children. We hope Gary's story, and this exploration of his experiences inspires you to reflect on your own journey and to consider the impact you want to have on the lives of those around you. Be sure to listen to the full interview with Gary in our podcast episode, Alcoholic Dad to Present Father (Become the Dad you NEVER Had), for even more insights and inspiration.