March 12, 2026

Surviving the Unsurvivable: Sexual Abuse, Prison, Abandonment & Finding Wholeness | Pastor Brandon Petty

Show Notes
Transcript

Brandon Petty grew up in a home most men would never recover from. Born to a teenage mother who was married six times by the age of 25, Brandon cycled through apartments, motel rooms, and relatives' couches throughout his childhood. He was raised primarily by women while the men in his life rotated in and out — most of them carrying their own unhealed wounds of addiction and abuse.

Between the ages of 8 and 11, Brandon was sexually abused by three different people, including a stepfather who was also a cocaine dealer and violently abusive toward his mother. The one stepfather who felt like a real dad — a man who took him fishing, taught him basketball, and loved him like his own — eventually lost his battle with alcoholism and walked away without warning, never to be seen again. Brandon's mother, exhausted by decades of trauma, eventually turned to drugs and ended up in prison. He finished high school living with his aunt and uncle. He met his biological father for the first time at 15, only to lose him to a sudden heart attack just as their relationship was beginning to heal.

By 18, Brandon was the first person in his family to graduate high school and go to college. On a sick Sunday morning when his aunt gave him permission to stay home, he chose instead to walk into a tiny country church with bullet holes in the wall — and fell on his face at the altar. God radically saved him. But as Brandon describes it, he got out of Egypt and spent years still circling the desert. He became a pastor, planted a church, built a ministry — and was doing all of it out of a broken place, trying to earn love he'd never received.

In 2015, the man who had sexually abused him at age 10 showed up as a volunteer at his own church. What followed was two months of nightmares, depression, and hiding in plain sight — until Brandon finally broke down in the shower and told his wife everything. That moment of confession became the beginning of his deepest healing. Counseling, spiritual formation, solitude sabbaticals, and the community of men he built around him helped him discover what it actually meant to be a disciple — not just a leader.

Today, Brandon leads Generation Church in Portland, Tennessee, is writing a book about his journey toward wholeness, and is helping men find freedom through confession, community, and the teachings of Jesus. His closing words in this episode may be the most powerful thing you'll hear this year.

Books mentioned: The Body Keeps the Score, An Invitation to a Journey, The Leader's Journey, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, The Wounded Healer, The Wounded Heart

Connect with Brandon: generationchurch.me | YouTube: Generation Church Portland Tennessee

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He was a cocaine dealer.

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Um, and he was the very he was a very violent man.

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And so um I was physically abused on a regular basis and sexually abused on a regular basis by uh this man.

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And um he was very, very violent toward my mother, so much so that when we finally got out of that relationship, you know, for the first year, it was as a child, I just remember looking over my shoulder all the time, like when's he gonna show back up?

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When's just you know, you just never knew if the nightmare was truly over.

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My life was just spirroling downhill, depression, alcoholism, incarceration, death by despair.

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One guy who showed up is just Jesus.

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If you can give a man clarity and community, he can start to live out his purpose.

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You can break generational curses of alcoholism.

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Welcome to Dudes Without Dads, the show that trains men how to become the dads they never had.

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Brandon Petty is one of those men who carries both grit and grace.

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He's a pastor of Generation Church in Portland, Tennessee, and his story didn't begin in the pulpit.

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It began in pain.

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Today we're talking about formation, how the absence of a father often deforms us, how Jesus reforms us, and how intimacy with God conforms us, and how we're ultimately transformed for mission.

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Brandon, welcome to the Dudes Without Dads podcast.

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Man, so blessed and honored, Josh.

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Thank you for having me.

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Um for someone that doesn't know where your starting points are, where are you from?

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You know, it's interesting.

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I tell people all the time, like I don't really have a hometown per se.

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I was born in Nashville, Tennessee, and I tell people I'm basically from Middle Tennessee.

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I grew up really all over Sumner County.

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So I spent probably the longest amount of years that I spent uh anywhere would have been Hendersonville, Tennessee.

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And that would have been about three to four years.

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But other than that, I was moved around a ton, and I'm sure we'll get into my story.

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But yeah, so middle Tennessee.

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Uh so always been born and raised, and um uh I love it here.

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Well, let's go ahead and start with your story.

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When you look back on your story, where's your starting points at?

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What are some of the memories that are your highs and lows from childhood?

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Yeah, so I was born to a teenage mom.

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Uh she got pregnant with me when she was 15 and uh gave birth uh shortly after turning 16.

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And so grew up just really uh she dropped out of high school to help raise me.

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Obviously, I was raised by women primarily.

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Um I had two aunts, a grandmother and a mother, who took turns watching me while my mom worked sometimes two or three different jobs.

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She worked in the service industry for a long time, the restaurant industry, and uh waited tables and did those things uh all throughout my childhood to try to you know provide for me.

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And um uh through that, uh I had a ton of different males in my life that were either relationships, boyfriends, stepfathers.

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I think I tell people, and I I don't know how how fast you want to deep dive, but um, by the time my mother was 25, she had been married six times, I think.

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Um so just a ton of dysfunction and brokenness.

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And with that came um a lot of men that came into our life.

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You know, there was uh there was always either an element of drug abuse, alcohol abuse, physical abuse, um, and uh just really all forms of abuse from a time that I was that I can remember, really from seven to eight years old uh through my early preteen years.

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Um so uh but that's why we were moved around a lot.

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That's why I didn't stay in one place very long.

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We lived sometimes from apartment building to apartment building, sometimes out of motel rooms, sometimes with friends.

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Um, stayed with my grandmother quite a bit.

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Um, really grateful for her and her influence in my life.

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She was really kind of a constant one of the anchors in my life as a child and as an adult.

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So but yeah, that's kind of how my story started.

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Um uh and I was uh I was a mama's boy.

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Uh loved my mom deeply.

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Um, obviously not having a dad growing up.

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Um, I didn't know my biological father until I was 15.

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And so uh he was he was older than my mother when they got together.

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And so they never married uh when I was uh when I was a child or anything like that.

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And so um didn't really still have some unanswered questions uh when it comes to surrounding uh my early, early childhood uh years.

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Um so but yeah, that's kind of how my story started um was basically being in a broken home.

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Uh like I said, tons of dysfunction and abuse and um lots of different male, male figures in my life, but not really a dad.

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So when you look back, sorry, when you look back at childhood, how would you have defined your relationship with your mom?

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Um probably um I would have as a child, I would have said it was really good, right?

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Because I loved her and and I would get separation anxiety when I wasn't with her.

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I can remember when she got pregnant with my little brother.

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I'm I'm six and a half years older than my brother.

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So I was first, second grade whenever he was born.

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Um, I went and stayed with my aunt while she was in the hospital, and I I cried every day, you know, just missing my mom.

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But looking back, I think there was some unhealthy codependency, um, especially growing up.

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You know, my mother, I was the oldest grandson, uh, the oldest son.

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So uh throughout my childhood, teen years, even young adult years, there was uh my entire family really had high expectations and really put a lot of pressure on me to uh help take care of people in my family, including my mother.

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And so there was an element there where, like, um instead of her being the parent, you know, I felt like growing up as a kid that I I played a lot of a significant role of parenting my own parent.

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Um so looking back, probably a lot of unhealthy dynamics.

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In fact, later on in my adult years, I didn't realize that I carried so much probably animosity and pain toward my mother for things that happened as a child.

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Because when you walk through sexual abuse and physical abuse, um, there's an element as an adult, you start realizing, man, like why was I placed in vulnerable situations and places where you felt abandoned or you felt like, you know, there wasn't somebody there to take up for you or protect you or keep you safe.

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Basically, the elements that a parent's supposed to provide, which is safety and guidance and all those things, love, um, those things were missing from my my foundation and my pyramid.

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Um, and so um those things, and my mother was always um, you know, when she she was around a lot of violence and violent men, but she always did her best to try to protect me and my brother.

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But it wasn't until I was 15 years old, I think she had finally reached a place where all the trauma that she had been through through her life, she kind of just collapsed in exhaustion and she turned to drugs, you know.

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And so she became a drug addict.

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She dealt with addiction for nearly 30 years.

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Um, and so not long after I became a freshman in high school, my mother ended up in prison for drugs.

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And so I was forced to live with my aunt and uncle throughout my high school days.

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And so you can imagine, like growing up as a young man, not having your father in your life, and then the one person that you did put a lot of emotional and and and um your being into disappears.

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And so when you're walking out on senior night of basketball, or you're graduating high school, or you're getting married, and you know, you don't have a parent there for those those high, those high notes of your life, you know, it can definitely mess with your your mind, your emotions, and and your formation as a young man.

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And so those were some of the elements that I walked through in my preteen to teenage years and even young adult.

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So a lot of times we're you know, we're referring to wounds, and you know, your mom was responding to probably things that have happened in her past.

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Have you taken time to process through her story as a child and what wounds may have formed her and why she ended up becoming why she ended up becoming where she ended up being at?

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And if so, would you mind sharing that story?

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Yeah, absolutely.

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I think it was uh maybe 2017.

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It was either 2017 or 2018.

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Um, I did I did a sermon series in our church.

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Um, we have a value that's called We Fight for the Land.

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It's L-A-N-D.

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And so we live in Portland, Portland, and that's an acronym for the lost, the addicted, the next generation, and the disconnected.

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Um, so that's kind of like our heart breaks for those people.

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And so when I did a sermon on the addicted, I basically approached my mother who had who was at that time had recovered.

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Uh, she had recovered from being an addict and was doing well.

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Uh, I got to baptize my mom in 2012, and so that's a really cool full circle moment.

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But I actually asked her, hey, can I just sit down?

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And for this sermon, it's not going to be a preaching sermon.

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It's just me and you having a conversation about your story and our story together.

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And I did it for two reasons.

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One, to obviously like tell our story, but two, I wanted it to be a healing moment for me and my mother.

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And um, that was the first time on camera um that I'm listening to my mother tell me stories about her upbringing.

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You know, she grew up with an alcoholic father.

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She uh was sexually abused at 11, 12 years old.

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Um, and so yeah, I tell people, um, sometimes when you're finding out about your parents' formation, it's not to, it's not to give them, it's not to excuse them for the behavior, but it's to explain the behavior.

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And so for me, you know, it was very healing for me to hear, like, man, my mom, she obviously she honestly was just doing the best she knew how as a mom and as a teenage mom, who really she didn't really have any kind of decent upbringing to help guide her and and show her the right way to do it.

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And so it what it did is it built empathy um and it built grace and it created moments for me to realize like um, hey, she didn't do these things on purpose.

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Again, it's not an excuse for the things that she did, but it helped explain why she did what she did in certain areas.

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Um, and so it actually gave me a lot of grace and love toward my mom, and it was a very healing conversation.

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And man, I've been able to use that clip and send that sermon to so many people who have wrestled with you know mother wounds or parent wounds to go and watch and like see that hey, it's possible to extend forgiveness, it's it's possible to see healing performed and and all those things.

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So so yeah.

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Thank you for sharing that.

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You mentioned that you didn't meet your dad until he was 15.

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Until you were 15.

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Do you have memories of men who came into your life before your father came into your life?

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And if so, would you mind sharing two or three of them that might stick out?

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I want to thank you for taking time to listen to this story.

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And if there's something inside of here that is adding value to you, I want you to stop and hit subscribe.

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I am on mission to help men become the dads they never had.

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Many of us struggle with father wounds, addictions, identity issues, and really what we need is we need a model.

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We need to see people that have broken the patterns and come alongside of them.

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I want to simply invite you to join me on the journey.

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Every Thursday, we're gonna release a new episode.

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Each episode is gonna help you and others become the dads they never had.

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Hit subscribe and share with a friend.

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Now let's get back to the story.

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Oh, yeah, the the probably the three most prominent ones.

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Uh there was one stepdad that I had, and he was married to my mom for a short time.

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But he was such a, and again, like most some of the men my mom my mother met, it wasn't that they were terrible men, it's just that most of them usually had some sort of addiction, some sort of uh hang-up, some sort of wound themselves that kept them from being um fully present.

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So I had one stepdad who they were married when I was a baby, uh, got divorced, but he stayed in my life.

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And so he was kind of like a stepdad that I would go visit him.

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I would go visit his parents when I was young.

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And so I knew he wasn't my dad, but he was almost like uh the relationship was more of like a friend, you know, an extended friend that I would go visit from time to time.

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You know, he's very kind to me and and my brother.

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He would even, you know, my he wasn't either one of me or my brother's dads, and he would always, you know, invite us over and we would go over there and play.

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His parents treated us like their grandkids, and so that was a pretty positive experience.

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There's some other things about that story that maybe we'll get into later that I'll share.

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But the second stepfather was the one that my mother married when I was eight, and he was a cocaine dealer.

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Um, and he was the very he was a very violent man.

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And so um I was physically abused on a regular basis and sexually abused on a regular basis by uh this man.

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And um, he was very, very violent toward my mother, so much so that when we we finally got out of that relationship, you know, for the first year, it was as a child, I just remember looking over my shoulder all the time, like when's he gonna show back up?

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When's this, you know, you just never knew if the nightmare was truly over.

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Um, but this the third stepfather, uh, my mother remarried when I was about 10.

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Um, he actually was like my dad.

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And I'll never forget um the first date he took my mother out on.

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He took me and my brother with him, and we went fishing.

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And that made my world because no man had ever showed any interest in me and my brother when it came to my mom.

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You know, it was just always like we were just extra baggage, and he was like uh so kind, gentle.

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And listen, I'm gonna this sounds like it's fake.

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I promise you, I'm not making this man up.

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But his n his name was Tom Cruise.

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His last name, his last name was spelled differently.

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It was C-R-U-Z.

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And um, but he uh and he was a very muscular man, he lifted weights, he rode bulls, so uh we got to go to rodeos, he was an artist, he knew how to he did oil paintings.

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Um he was he did 5K's, he ran long day, like he was just like this ultimate man's man, and yet he was also very nurturing and gentle.

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Uh the problem with Tommy was uh he was an alcoholic and uh he wasn't a mean drunk, he wasn't abusive.

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When he drank, he would disappear.

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Like we wouldn't know if he was alive, he would just go on these bingers to where like he would just be uh shut up in a bar somewhere for sometimes even weeks, and we wouldn't know if he was alive, we wouldn't know.

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And so my mother was only married to him for about five and a half years, but it felt like 20 years because that was the longest relationship my mother ever had ever in her life.

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And um, he loved us like his kid, like that was my dad.

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Like he taught me how to play basketball, he took us fishing.

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Like there was a lot of things as a young boy that I learned from him.

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My love for basketball was like because of him.

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And uh right before, like right after I met my biological father, he he went through several stints.

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My my stepdad had gone through several stints of like, hey, he's clean, he's good, he'd be sober for a year, fall off the wagon again.

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We even moved to Washington State for a year just to try to help his sobriety because that's where his family was from.

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And so we thought, well, maybe if he's close to siblings, close to family, he'll stay sober.

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He was a logger by trade, and so the money and the work was much better up in the Northwest, obviously.

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And uh we got there and he did good for about three months, and then you know, it happened again.

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And so we ended up moving back to Tennessee.

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And that's when my biological father started coming around.

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He had contacted my mom somehow and was like, hey, I want to, I want to start to try to mend this relationship with with my son.

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And I remember thinking, like, man, I got a dad, I'm cool, like I don't need this, you know.

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Like I would go visit him just because he bought me stuff.

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Uh, because growing up, I didn't have anything.

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And so if he's gonna try to like buy my love, hey, I'll take all.

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I mean, that's just how I was selfish, you know.

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I was a teenage boy trying to deal with all those wounds.

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And then I'll never forget, Josh.

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Man, it was a it was a Friday afternoon.

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Um, I didn't know that my mom and stepdad had been having some problems and that he had actually been drinking again because he was he had been sober for like a year up to this point.

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And uh apparently she had told him, Um, hey, you're gonna have to make a decision.

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We've been going through this for five and a half years.

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Like it's either the alcohol or it's us.

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And I'll never forget, we lived in an apartment building.

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It was me, my brother, my mom, my stepdad, my aunt, and my grandmother.

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We lived in a two-bedroom apartment.

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Uh, my bedroom was the dining room.

00:18:10.160 --> 00:18:12.640
I slept on an air mattress in the dining room.

00:18:12.799 --> 00:18:20.319
My brother slept on the couch in the living room, and then my parents had a bedroom, and then my grandmother and aunt shared a bedroom.

00:18:20.559 --> 00:18:22.400
I'm laying there on a Friday afternoon.

00:18:22.480 --> 00:18:40.079
I was uh, I think I was making a mixtape for all you young people out there that don't know what that is, but um, I was listening to my music and laying there, and um my mother came in and she was visibly upset, and she was she went into the room and was talking with my grandmother and aunt, and so I walked back there, like, man, what's going on?

00:18:40.559 --> 00:18:52.960
And uh she went to go pick up my dad, my stepdad from work that day, and um she said he came to the car and he was smiling and said, Tell the boys I love him, and left.

00:18:54.000 --> 00:18:58.480
And I never saw him again to this day of not seen.

00:18:58.559 --> 00:19:05.920
Like, I went to school that morning, said goodbye to him, and that was the last time I've ever seen or heard from him.

00:19:06.640 --> 00:19:14.160
And that devastated me, devastated me in the worst way possible.

00:19:14.319 --> 00:19:25.759
And then trying to like wrestle the with the emotion of I have this biological dad who stepped into my life trying to build a relationship, and then like the only one dad I really knew is now gone.

00:19:26.240 --> 00:19:32.640
And with that one, it was the opposite of the other stepdad where I wasn't looking over my shoulder like, is this guy coming back?

00:19:32.799 --> 00:19:46.400
I was, I would visit, we would be driving around town, and if I saw somebody walking on the side of the street, I would, you know, I'm rubber necking out the window to see if it's him, just so I can see him again and say hi, you know, do something, try to talk him into coming back, right?

00:19:46.559 --> 00:19:50.240
Because it there was a part of me that's like, I know he loves us, like he'll be back.

00:19:50.400 --> 00:19:53.519
Like there was part of me that was just like, I know he'll be back.

00:19:54.000 --> 00:20:02.000
And um I and and I've even made attempts like trying to figure out how to track him down and um can't find him.

00:20:02.079 --> 00:20:03.440
I don't yeah, I don't know.

00:20:03.680 --> 00:20:12.400
So yeah, that was a very, very um formative year of my life between my freshman and sophomore year of high school.

00:20:12.720 --> 00:20:19.680
So it's almost hard to ask a follow-up question when you're processing the emotions of that experience.

00:20:19.920 --> 00:20:20.079
Yeah.

00:20:20.319 --> 00:20:23.519
Now that we have kids, you know, and and what it's like.

00:20:24.000 --> 00:20:24.640
Absolutely.

00:20:25.279 --> 00:20:34.480
When you look at where you were in this time, what was your ideas of what it meant to be a man?

00:20:34.640 --> 00:20:53.680
You know, what what did if you're to to paint a picture of what a man looked like in your mind at 15, 16 years old, who would have been the quintessential um ideal man and how did it form your idea of responsibility, accountability, or just being a man?

00:20:54.079 --> 00:20:55.519
And that's the thing, Josh.

00:20:55.599 --> 00:21:18.640
You know, like I don't I mean, I grew up in the 80s and 90s, so there was a sense of like, hey, a man looks like, you know, Sylvester Stallone or Arnold Schwarzenegger, or you know, like I think that's why I had such a affinity for my stepdad, was because like here was this chiseled, you know, exterior physical man who like loved well.

00:21:18.880 --> 00:21:24.480
Like he he had a he had a compassionate side, and that was something I had never seen in my life.

00:21:24.880 --> 00:21:35.359
So I think I walked away with so much confusion, Josh, because there was a part of me that I was hyper sexualized at eight years old, you know, walking through being introduced to pornography.

00:21:35.440 --> 00:21:39.440
My stepdad forced me to watch pornography at eight years old.

00:21:39.680 --> 00:21:51.039
Um, I was so hyper sexualized that there was a part of me that, you know, being a man is, you know, entering into sexual intercourse as young as you possibly can, you know.

00:21:51.200 --> 00:21:59.599
Um, but I there was so much, it was like even growing into a teenage boy or growing into a 16, 17, 18 year old young man.

00:22:00.400 --> 00:22:03.839
I still have the emotional capacity of that eight or nine year old.

00:22:04.000 --> 00:22:12.640
And um, and so for me, it's like I almost, I almost wrestle with this idea of like, I don't know what a what an authentic or real man looks like.

00:22:12.720 --> 00:22:20.480
Um, because everything that I thought that I wanted to be as a man, Josh, I can't even explain it, man.

00:22:20.559 --> 00:22:23.920
There was so much inner turmoil.

00:22:24.640 --> 00:22:26.960
All I knew is that I was not that.

00:22:27.519 --> 00:22:31.759
I was not um a real man uh because I cried all the time.

00:22:31.839 --> 00:22:33.519
I was a very emotional kid.

00:22:33.680 --> 00:22:38.079
Um things made me angry easily, things would set me off easily.

00:22:38.240 --> 00:22:39.279
I cried over everything.

00:22:39.440 --> 00:22:45.599
I mean, any girlfriend that broke up with me, you know, in middle school or high school, I mean, it was devastating.

00:22:45.680 --> 00:22:56.880
It was like, it was like anything that kind of maybe triggered a sense of abandonment or being left behind, or I'm not worthy, I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy to be loved.

00:22:57.039 --> 00:22:59.359
You know, I didn't realize it at the time.

00:22:59.440 --> 00:23:03.279
You know, I'm I'm looking back now and recognizing why those things existed.

00:23:03.599 --> 00:23:12.240
But at the time, you know, when you're trying to figure out what it means to be a man, I mean, I was, I was all I knew was I was nowhere near what it was.

00:23:12.319 --> 00:23:14.799
And that created so much insecurity.

00:23:15.039 --> 00:23:23.440
Um, it created so much um just uh inner turmoil, anger, frustration, um, all the things.

00:23:23.599 --> 00:23:33.839
And so, you know, in my mind, you know, I guess it was like this super tough, you know, big and bold, and uh definitely hyper sexualized.

00:23:33.920 --> 00:23:37.920
And um, there was a part of me that felt like I could never realize that part of being a man anyway.

00:23:38.079 --> 00:23:46.240
So did you ever turn to addictions, uh, gangs, unhealthy relationships, or anger to cope?

00:23:47.119 --> 00:23:51.119
Oh, my my addiction was definitely uh pornography.

00:23:51.279 --> 00:23:54.079
It was um it was definitely relationships, you know.

00:23:54.160 --> 00:24:06.880
Like I felt like, you know, the the more if I had um a female relationship in my life or if I was pursuing physical relationship with a female, then to me, man, you know, I'm I'm I'm living it.

00:24:06.960 --> 00:24:15.200
You know, I think I think early in my teenage years, um, I was with a pretty rough crowd that could have led to some of those things.

00:24:15.359 --> 00:24:16.319
I'm thankful.

00:24:16.480 --> 00:24:36.720
Like, and it's great, like God's incredible, like right, like when you're watching things get pieced together in your life, I saw being moved into my aunt and uncle's house as like this moment of devastation, but it probably helped save my life in a lot of ways because I was I lived in a smaller town because I was in Murfreesboro, you know, when all that happened.

00:24:36.880 --> 00:24:40.960
And so I was already like, I was around people who sold dope all the time.

00:24:41.200 --> 00:24:43.039
I was doing dope all the time.

00:24:43.279 --> 00:24:45.599
I was with pretty rough people.

00:24:45.680 --> 00:25:01.200
And I think if I would have stayed there, if my mother would have kept us there, I would have definitely walked down a road that probably would have looked a lot like my family tree on both sides, which is jail time, addiction, divorces, all this stuff.

00:25:01.359 --> 00:25:07.039
And so actually being forced to move with my aunt and uncle, like they were consistent in church.

00:25:07.119 --> 00:25:12.960
You know, I didn't grow up in church, but that was my first exposure to church was you know when I was a freshman in high school.

00:25:13.119 --> 00:25:22.400
And um, and so there was an element there where they they created some anchors for my life that I didn't have, even though at the time I didn't appreciate it nor care for it.

00:25:22.559 --> 00:25:29.680
Um those things probably actually kept me from walking down a road that would have been way, way worse, you know.

00:25:29.839 --> 00:25:42.960
So even though I still had all these, you know, this porn addiction, emotional immaturity, relationship issues, I wasn't chasing drugs or violence like I was early on.

00:25:43.119 --> 00:25:46.160
Um so that that pretty much saved my life, probably.

00:25:46.720 --> 00:25:59.359
What would you say is your was your rock moment, uh rock bottom moment inside of your your life when you look back, you know, you're like, man, I I didn't want to end up here.

00:26:00.480 --> 00:26:03.519
Yeah, I mean, to me, I think it's happened a couple of times.

00:26:03.599 --> 00:26:10.079
You know, I I uh there's uh an incredible book called Um An Invitation to a Journey.

00:26:10.400 --> 00:26:15.759
And it's about like your spiritual formation and your arc, uh, what that looks like throughout your life.

00:26:16.079 --> 00:26:31.440
And um, so it kind of talks about almost like multiple salvation moments, you know, it's not that you have to get saved multiple times, but it's those moments of like, it's like another leap and bound to your, you know, your spiritual life and realization.

00:26:31.680 --> 00:26:35.599
And so first and foremost was my salvation experience at 18 years old.

00:26:35.759 --> 00:26:43.599
You know, like I was one of the first people to one graduate high school, but also go to college in my both sides of my family.

00:26:43.759 --> 00:26:48.240
Again, like both sides of my family riddled with nothing but dysfunction and brokenness.

00:26:49.200 --> 00:27:02.079
And outwardly, everybody saw me as, you know, man, there's this, here's this kid, he's making it, he's doing great, making good grades, plays basketball, but like inwardly I was still chasing.

00:27:02.400 --> 00:27:04.079
Uh, I love what C.S.

00:27:04.160 --> 00:27:05.440
Lewis says about his own life.

00:27:05.599 --> 00:27:06.480
When you think about C.S.

00:27:06.559 --> 00:27:12.559
Lewis, here's this Oxford professor, Bowtie, you know, the contemplation pipe, right?

00:27:12.640 --> 00:27:13.920
And he's hanging out with J.R.

00:27:14.079 --> 00:27:16.240
Tolkien, and they're just like this intelligent.

00:27:16.319 --> 00:27:22.880
But he said before Jesus, he was just an inward, nothing, but inwardly, he was a legion full of lust and demons.

00:27:23.359 --> 00:27:26.160
And I feel like that's where I was at 18 years old.

00:27:26.319 --> 00:27:36.960
It was like I could do a really good job of making people think my life looked pretty good on the outside, but I was still chasing things that were gonna lead me down to the same exact road uh as my parents.

00:27:37.039 --> 00:27:39.200
And so I'll never forget, Josh.

00:27:39.359 --> 00:27:42.799
It was a Sunday morning and um I was actually really sick.

00:27:43.039 --> 00:27:46.480
I had a fever, and my aunt was one of those, she didn't play.

00:27:46.559 --> 00:27:51.279
Like, if you're gonna live in her house, you're gonna go to church, she doesn't care if your leg's broken, you know.

00:27:51.440 --> 00:27:58.319
Like she she was raising four teenage boys, all of us were in high school, four high school boys in the same house.

00:27:58.480 --> 00:28:00.640
Like, dude, it was wild.

00:28:00.960 --> 00:28:05.839
And uh, so I can't imagine like what she put up with on a daily basis with us.

00:28:06.079 --> 00:28:08.400
But I remember telling her, like, hey, I'm not feeling well.

00:28:08.559 --> 00:28:10.960
She's like, Well, you can stay home.

00:28:11.680 --> 00:28:12.799
And I said, No.

00:28:12.960 --> 00:28:14.400
I said, I think I'm gonna go.

00:28:14.559 --> 00:28:17.359
And I don't even know like what made me say it that morning, Josh.

00:28:17.440 --> 00:28:22.000
I think the Lord had been kind of like doing some stuff in my heart a couple weeks before that.

00:28:22.160 --> 00:28:24.720
Um, just slow little things.

00:28:25.279 --> 00:28:28.799
And we pulled up, it was a little bitty country church in Adolphus, Kentucky.

00:28:28.960 --> 00:28:35.200
Gravel, it's it's on a hill called Shooting Hill, because this is where the rednecks go to drink beer and shoot their guns off.

00:28:35.279 --> 00:28:41.839
And so on the side of this old country church is like bullet holes and just a little bitty country church in the middle of nowhere.

00:28:41.920 --> 00:28:44.880
And I walked in the front door and walked straight to the altar.

00:28:45.039 --> 00:28:46.640
No message, no song, no nothing.

00:28:46.720 --> 00:28:48.000
And I fell on my face.

00:28:48.160 --> 00:28:54.319
And um all I knew was like my life up to this point didn't make sense.

00:28:54.559 --> 00:29:00.000
It I felt like I was empty, I felt like I was worthless, I felt like there was nothing for me.

00:29:00.160 --> 00:29:09.200
And uh, I just told God, God, I don't, I don't want to carry this, I don't want to carry this guilt anymore, I don't want to carry this shame, I don't want to carry this hatred in my heart.

00:29:09.359 --> 00:29:11.759
And uh He radically saved me.

00:29:11.920 --> 00:29:13.440
I mean, radically saved me.

00:29:13.519 --> 00:29:20.720
I mean, I went from trying to avoid church to like every time the doors are open, like, give me a purpose, give me something to do.

00:29:20.799 --> 00:29:21.680
Like, I want to be here.

00:29:21.759 --> 00:29:22.799
I was hungry.

00:29:23.039 --> 00:29:39.200
Here I was a freshman in college, and I went from like hanging out with all the dope heads and you know, bumping Dre and Snoop to like I'm sitting by myself in an apartment on a Friday night listening to worship music and uh and uh reading my Bible.

00:29:39.359 --> 00:29:42.000
Just like, man, I just want to know more about God's word.

00:29:42.400 --> 00:29:51.680
And um that was one moment, and then I would say um God saved my soul, but I still hadn't been delivered.

00:29:51.839 --> 00:29:58.079
Um I I had I'd gotten out of Egypt, but I was still circling uh the desert, you know.

00:29:58.319 --> 00:30:05.920
Um I did that for many years, and um up until about 2015.

00:30:06.480 --> 00:30:17.920
I tell people 2015 and 2017 were the hardest, darkest, yet most incredible years of my life.

00:30:18.319 --> 00:30:26.880
Um, because we walked through a series of trials as a family that seemed like one trial after another.

00:30:27.119 --> 00:30:31.039
Um I had a brother-in-law that almost died of alcoholism.

00:30:31.200 --> 00:30:37.359
We went through a three-month process of trying to care for him in a hospital where we thought we're preparing for a funeral.

00:30:37.519 --> 00:30:39.519
He nearly drank himself to death.

00:30:39.759 --> 00:30:48.640
Um, praise God, we're on the other side of where he survived and he's still battling his addiction today, but doing so much better than he was then.

00:30:49.440 --> 00:30:56.799
Um we had, I told you about my dad, about how like, you know, we had basically spent years trying to.

00:30:57.039 --> 00:31:02.000
I felt like when I was ready to maybe try to start restoring things, he was still searching for himself.

00:31:02.160 --> 00:31:05.039
And then he would come around and he would be like ready.

00:31:05.200 --> 00:31:12.799
He actually gave his heart and life to the Lord, but I couldn't even appreciate it or celebrate it because I still had so much animosity toward him from our past.

00:31:13.519 --> 00:31:22.960
And so he's like trying to love on me and be kind and and pour into me, and I didn't want to hear it, you know, because I I was just selfish and prideful.

00:31:23.200 --> 00:31:25.920
And um, but we had finally got to this place.

00:31:26.160 --> 00:31:27.839
My son was just born.

00:31:28.079 --> 00:31:40.079
And my son was born in February of 2015, and we were talking about plans of getting together and him meeting my son because he, you know, he had met my girls and he had been kind of in and out of my life over the years.

00:31:40.480 --> 00:31:44.960
And um, man, I had an incredible phone conversation with him on a Friday afternoon.

00:31:45.039 --> 00:31:49.440
I know for yeah, we had like an hour-long conversation while I'm driving to Memphis to do a wedding.

00:31:49.599 --> 00:32:00.480
And um a week later, the Sunday before Father's Day, I wake up and uh I have a voicemail, and it's from my dad's sister.

00:32:01.039 --> 00:32:06.160
And I remember I'm getting up, like getting ready to start my Sunday, like I'm gonna go preach.

00:32:06.319 --> 00:32:10.319
And I had to play this voicemail several times because I couldn't believe it.

00:32:10.480 --> 00:32:13.519
But my dad had dropped dead of a heart attack suddenly.

00:32:13.759 --> 00:32:18.079
And I didn't find out until the next morning, you know, with this voicemail.

00:32:18.319 --> 00:32:27.839
And um, regardless of how close you are with your dad, there's something that happens inside of a man that when your dad dies, you start searching for answers.

00:32:28.079 --> 00:32:30.160
You start trying to like find yourself.

00:32:30.400 --> 00:32:34.720
And so that started that journey of me trying to figure out who I am I as a man.

00:32:34.880 --> 00:32:36.960
Here, I've got three kids at this time, Josh.

00:32:37.039 --> 00:32:43.279
I'm married, I'm I'm a pastor, and yet I don't even know who I am as a man.

00:32:43.519 --> 00:32:49.599
I realize like I'm still carrying so much weight and uh bitterness from my childhood.

00:32:50.000 --> 00:32:55.839
And so right after that, about a month later, uh, this was kind of the culmination.

00:32:55.920 --> 00:33:04.720
We, I mean, we were we were getting to where we were pulling up at church, and me and my wife would just sit in the van and cry because of like the stuff we were walking through with both of our families.

00:33:04.880 --> 00:33:15.279
And um I uh we pulled up at church one day, and um, so this goes back to the stepdad that I told you that um was kind of a friend.

00:33:15.359 --> 00:33:16.880
We would go visit him.

00:33:17.519 --> 00:33:24.160
Well, um, again, he was a loving man, but he also had a porn addiction and a pot addiction.

00:33:24.240 --> 00:33:33.599
So I remember as a child, I'd be like sneaking around a corner watching him watch porn or watching them get high, you know, whatever.

00:33:33.920 --> 00:33:41.359
Um, he had a neighbor who was at the time, I think I was 10, I think he was a senior in high school or whatever.

00:33:41.599 --> 00:33:45.119
And on several occasions, he sexually abused me.

00:33:45.359 --> 00:33:49.200
And um, so that happened during that time period.

00:33:49.279 --> 00:33:58.480
So from the time I was eight until I was 11, I was sexually abused by three different people, and uh including a stepdad, a babysitter, and then this guy.

00:33:58.720 --> 00:34:22.079
And um, so fast forward 2016, I believe, or 15, 2015, we pull up to church, we're talking to some volunteers out setting up in the parking lot, and one of the gentlemen I began to have a conversation with him, and then within five minutes, I realized that the man who sexually abused me when I was 10 is standing right in front of me, and he's volunteers in our church.

00:34:22.719 --> 00:34:26.480
And that was kind of the the straw of the boat, the camel's back.

00:34:26.559 --> 00:34:28.880
Like I went into a two-month depression.

00:34:29.119 --> 00:34:34.719
I um I would show up every week and try to sneak in and sneak out of my own church.

00:34:34.880 --> 00:34:36.559
Um, I tried to avoid people.

00:34:36.719 --> 00:34:40.880
I started having nightmares every night that something terrible was going to happen to my son.

00:34:40.960 --> 00:34:43.199
I dreamed that he died, he was kidnapped.

00:34:43.360 --> 00:34:46.559
And it was like, I mean, when I say every night, that's not an exaggeration.

00:34:46.639 --> 00:34:49.039
It was, I lived in terror, Josh.

00:34:49.679 --> 00:34:52.639
And um so I did this for two months.

00:34:52.800 --> 00:34:58.639
I couldn't tell my wife because my wife knew about my upbringing, but I had never told her graphic stories about what happened to me.

00:34:58.719 --> 00:35:00.320
I'd never told anybody.

00:35:00.880 --> 00:35:04.639
And um, I just remember I got to, I would daydream about taking other jobs.

00:35:04.800 --> 00:35:08.400
I'm like, maybe I can find a job like selling cars or just doing something.

00:35:08.559 --> 00:35:13.280
I would try to figure out ways that I could get rid of the church, like hand it off to somebody else.

00:35:13.440 --> 00:35:14.800
At the time, we were still portable.

00:35:14.880 --> 00:35:17.519
We were setting up tear down in the school every every week.

00:35:17.679 --> 00:35:20.880
And um fast forward, man.

00:35:20.960 --> 00:35:25.280
I finally just like the Lord like really just like you're gonna have to tell somebody.

00:35:25.360 --> 00:35:28.800
If you don't tell somebody, like, this is not gonna end well.

00:35:29.360 --> 00:35:33.840
And I finally got the courage to tell my wife, partly the courage.

00:35:34.000 --> 00:35:34.719
I was in the shower.

00:35:34.800 --> 00:35:37.519
I couldn't look at her in the face, and uh, she was getting ready.

00:35:37.599 --> 00:35:42.000
I'm in the shower, and I'm trying to tell her from the shower what's going on.

00:35:42.079 --> 00:35:50.239
And I just, I mean, I the walls came down, Josh, and I just wept and went, and I'm I'm hyper benelating trying to tell her what's going on with me.

00:35:50.719 --> 00:35:57.199
And of course, this whole time the enemy's got it in your mind like, hey, the moment you share this stuff, she's gonna look at you differently.

00:35:57.360 --> 00:36:00.159
She's gonna think you're gross, she's gonna think you're whatever.

00:36:00.400 --> 00:36:02.480
And man, the exact opposite was true.

00:36:02.639 --> 00:36:05.679
Like, it actually made our marriage stronger.

00:36:05.920 --> 00:36:10.159
Man, my wife loved me so incredibly through this entire process.

00:36:10.480 --> 00:36:15.039
Long story short, she helped me confess to a group of pastors what was going on.

00:36:15.280 --> 00:36:19.199
They paid for my counseling, they helped start me on a journey.

00:36:19.440 --> 00:36:21.360
I'll never forget I had a pastor friend.

00:36:21.440 --> 00:36:23.280
He had asked me, he's like, Have you ever done a sabbatical?

00:36:23.360 --> 00:36:24.880
And I'm like, I don't even know what that means.

00:36:25.039 --> 00:36:29.119
And um, he said, every year I do a solitude sabbatical, it's a prayer sabbatical.

00:36:29.280 --> 00:36:34.239
He's like, Why don't you come hang out with me for a couple of days and then we'll I'll show you kind of like how to do one.

00:36:34.480 --> 00:36:36.079
And um, so I did that.

00:36:36.159 --> 00:36:44.800
And man, those two days I spent with him, like, I was just in awe because I was just like, this is available, you know, like this kind of time.

00:36:45.039 --> 00:36:46.800
Because I tell you what I had done, Josh.

00:36:46.880 --> 00:36:48.880
I had spent so many years in ministry.

00:36:49.199 --> 00:36:50.400
I didn't realize it.

00:36:50.559 --> 00:37:05.039
You don't you don't do it consciously, and that's why I have so much grace towards pastors who fall, because I think what we're seeing is like the result of broken men who never find healing or find a place to be authentic and vulnerable about their struggles.

00:37:05.360 --> 00:37:12.960
And I had done so much ministry, Josh, out of this place of trying to trying to earn love and worthiness.

00:37:13.199 --> 00:37:17.199
If I can lead a successful youth group, then maybe I'm worth something.

00:37:17.360 --> 00:37:22.400
If I can lead a successful church plant, maybe God does love.

00:37:22.719 --> 00:37:27.599
You know, I everything was out of this selfish, insecure, prideful.

00:37:28.480 --> 00:37:32.960
And man, God took me on a jerk because I I read every leadership book.

00:37:33.119 --> 00:37:35.920
I was like every leadership podcast.

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And Josh, I was a great leader.

00:37:38.639 --> 00:37:41.360
I was a terrible disciple of Jesus.

00:37:41.599 --> 00:37:48.480
And so I'll never forget a couple months later, that September, I did my very first sabbatical on my own, prayer sabbatical.

00:37:48.800 --> 00:38:00.000
And Josh, when I tell you, it was like it a week felt like a year where I just allowed God to love on me.

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And I started reading books for the first time.

00:38:03.599 --> 00:38:08.800
I had never heard the term spiritual formation, I had never heard anything like that.

00:38:08.960 --> 00:38:13.039
You know, I thought this was like new buzzwords, and then you realize like this is ancient.

00:38:13.119 --> 00:38:15.519