Pastor Jason: Rejected by His Father, Called by the Father

SPEAKER_00 0:00

And at the end of the service, um, this guy said, Hey, turn to your neighbor and ask them if they died right now, would they be in the presence of Jesus? And my wife at the time, or are now, I'm sorry, my wife now looked at me and said, kind of laughing, kind of uh not half-hearted, but like this is a weird question to ask me because you know, I just let worship. I've been in church and all those things. And for the first time in my life, I didn't have an answer for that question. And I began to cry, I began to weep, and I said, I gotta go down front. And she said, What for? I mean, this is paraphrased, of course. I said, I need to go talk to David. And so I went down and I said, David, I I need to be saved. And he said, What are you talking about? And I was like, man, I for the first time in my life, I recognized that I've been running from Jesus and I want to run to him. And I can't do this anymore, man. I'm done, you know. And so that night, January 22nd, 2002, at that Baptist Collegiate ministry event at the altar in that room, I got down and just begged to save me and forgive me and to make everything in my life make sense.

SPEAKER_01 1:19

My life was just spyrolling downhill, depression, alcoholism, incarceration, death by despair. The one guy who showed up is just Jesus. If you can give a man clarity and community, he can start to live out his purpose. You can break generational curses of alcoholism.

SPEAKER_02 1:35

Welcome to Dudes Without Dads, the show that trained men how to become the dads they never had. Jason, welcome to the pod.

SPEAKER_00 1:47

Man, it's good to be here. Thanks for having me.

SPEAKER_02 1:49

Now, I've got here that you have a doctorate, you have over 20 years of ministry experience. If anything I say is off, always correct me. And that you also preach transformation every single Sunday. Does all that sound correct?

SPEAKER_00 2:04

Man, that's that's exactly right. Uh started in the ministry uh right around 2002, 2003. Um walked through the uh lane of schooling and education and uh got a doctorate degree in 2010 and actually wrapped up a PhD in 2016. Um, so a lifelong learner, I guess, with some pauses in between for some rest and respite. Uh, but yeah, I preach every week. I'm the lead pastor or the senior pastor at our church and uh get to preach at least once or twice every week. So been doing that for over 20 years.

SPEAKER_02 2:39

Awesome. Well, thank you for your years in ministry. And we're gonna have many other pastors that are gonna be listening to this message and and those that aren't pastors or uh aren't inside of a position of of ministry. And so before we get into kind of what you're doing today, I want to go back um before the pulpit, before the degrees, and I want you to think back to where your parents split up. Can you remember that far back and what exactly was it like for you as a kid back then?

SPEAKER_00 3:10

Man, um, as you asked that question, um, my mind goes back. I can remember one of the last moments in the living room floor with with my dad present. Um, and as unusual as this sounds, I'm gonna paint you a quick picture, but I had a I had what I would call a big truck, and it was a blue big truck, uh tractor trailer type toy. And it was navy blue, and this and the emblem on the side was night, K-N-I-G-H-T. And I can remember he and I in the floor playing with that big truck. Um, that's one of the last normal memories I have back when I don't know how old I I can't necessarily give you the date and time. Uh, five, six years old. Uh my um mom and dad were married then. Uh, you know, he had gotten hurt offshore. Uh, he's working offshore, so he was uh recovering and he had to get out of that line of work. And um I can remember pieces of that, but I can remember playing in the floor um with him. And then obviously um their marriage began to fall apart in a dramatic way. And that obviously led to the reason for the conversation that um he's been out of my life for I've seen him twice in the last 35 years. Um and one of them was on accident, one of them was on purpose. Um, and so it's been a long time since I've had a face-to-face with with him. And the last one I had with him wasn't wasn't exactly great, and I can expound on that in a minute. It wasn't bad, it just didn't go the way I hoped it would. Um, so yeah, that was a long time ago, a long time ago.

SPEAKER_02 5:00

When I I think about the image of that, do you have any idea how old you were?

SPEAKER_00 5:06

Six or seven years old. Um I was little. I mean, I was I was small enough to be playing with big trucks in the floor. Um, but I could it's it's amazing what you can remember and what's kind of ingrained in your heart and mind of those moments that you you you'd give anything um to do it again, in a sense. Um, but yeah, I was I was little. I mean, it's I was well below 10, I can tell you that, just because of the timing of their divorce and all those things.

SPEAKER_02 5:34

What was it like being a kid inside the home when your parents were still together?

SPEAKER_00 5:41

Man, that was so long ago. Um I mean, there's other memories, you know. We had a swimming pool and he would throw me, you know, like I I can remember those things. We we took vacations in the mountains and we would swim in the river around Pigeon Forge, Gatlinburg area. We actually moved up there uh for a little while. They were trying to uh recover their marriage and things like that, but it didn't obviously it didn't work. Um, but I can remember how it felt good. It felt, it felt not always perfect. That's not what I said, but it was it it just seemed so normal and good. Um, his parents, my grandparents were a big part of our lives. My mom's parents, my grandparents were big part. I mean, it was a big, it was just what I would call normal. Um, Thanksgiving and Christmas, I'd go to both grandparents, you know what I mean, man. It was just, but that was cut off so so drastically um that it just quit existing um in my life, to be brutally honest and and and short.

SPEAKER_02 6:46

Back back then, how would you have, you know, when you look back on it and you see your relationship with your father, how would you have described it? What kind of relationship did you have with your dad?

SPEAKER_00 7:03

You know, I would say back from what I can remember, man. I mean, you're you're talking, I'm 43 right now. So you're talking good, good goodness gracious, 35 years ago. Um, it just seemed very throw the baseball in the yard. Um, when I was small, I can remember um being around Lime more with him, stuff like that, doing yard work in a sense as a kid, just being present. Um, he was very involved. It's not like he was a he was a dad then that was checked out. There's pictures. I've got pictures. Um, I've got a couple um scattered around to just remind me of those days gone by. Um, I've got one that's right here present. He's holding me. Um, and we look just alike. It's not, I mean, he don't have a goatee and he's bald headed, but I mean we look just alike. And and and he's holding me as a little fella, and his dad is in the picture. And um, that's one of my that's one of my prized pictures um that I have tucked away because that's just that's a lifetime remove now. But that's that's the kind of thing I I choose to remember in a sense. Um I would say normal good. Um a very neural, I mean it was very much dad-son relationally normal. So from what I can remember, that's about all I can give you because it was uh decades ago at this point.

SPEAKER_02 8:36

Looking back on it, I know I'm skipping a little bit forward, but for our listeners, what do you think happened or why did your your folks end up divorcing?

SPEAKER_00 8:46

From from what I understand, and you know, it's one of those things where I love to believe the best about people. I try to. Um, there was some adultery scattered in there somewhere. Um, the part I'll probably never know was was it one of them, was it both of them? I man, I don't, I don't, I just I can't get that that line drawn. Um, and so I know both probably had some faults. There's no question. Everybody has has faults, but I don't really know what it was that finally made that that that piece of wood break of their relationship. Um, but when it did, I mean, I can remember going to court as a kid. I can remember the judge asking me who he'd rather live with. Um, my brother was younger than me, so I was kind of speaking on behalf. He's six years younger than I am. Um, and so I can remember it being such a dramatic and drastic um break. And, you know, people say the divorce is ugly. Well, I can confirm that, man. It's it's it's it's brutal. I can remember having to not choose which one, but but choose which one. Um, and what what kid don't want to be with mama, right? Um, and so I think about that even not daily. I'm not going to sit here and say daily, but what would have happened if I would have chosen dad? Like, would would our relationship be intact today? And I wear that, I carry that. Um, because my wife, uh my son who's 19, daughter who's 12, they've never met my dad ever. Um, I mean, he didn't, no high school graduation, no wedding, um nothing. And if if I would have, man, I know that's a big what if, and I'm kind of going down a rabbit trail, but if I would have, as a small young guy, uh picked the other one, would this would this not even be an appointment on the calendar today, right? Um, but anyway, that break was so harsh. It didn't take long. Um I'm kind of jumping ahead, but I but it didn't take long to where I can remember, you know, I I I I I I always kind of jokingly say we were on the National Guard plant, like, you know, every other weekend, two weeks a year, kind of thing. And so I can remember dad, he'd come get us on Friday, bring us back, you know, uh uh Sunday night. Um, I can remember what he would do every every week. He would take us and he'd get us Pepsi, which was something we didn't get much, uh, believe it or not. And we'd get pizza and we'd go. I'm just gonna give you some some markers here, brother. We were we'd go to Rybby's uh in our hometown and rent a VHS tape. Um, they were like a dollar, and he would let us get five over the week. It was just those moments, like you look so forward to uh spending that time with dad. And um, and then I can remember one Friday he didn't come and had our bags packed, and we were standing there, and um, he didn't come, and then he didn't come, and then he didn't come, and then it was over. Um, I mean, it just kind of was this light switch that he turned off and um just checked out, and I'm not I'm not real sure why. Um but yeah, pretty heavy, but that's what that's kind of how that that played out for for me real time.

SPEAKER_02 12:19

I probably have a couple of follow-up questions too, which is share. The first one I want to ask is for a dad who might be listening, somebody may have shared this podcast with them, and their children chose the mom over the dad. What was your reasoning behind that? And then what would your encouragement be to the dad or to specifically your father, if you could?

SPEAKER_00 12:46

Yeah, a couple of things. And you know, I can't necessarily recall that perfectly in my mind. I I I don't remember if they put the whole weight of that choice on on me. I like I don't remember the judge pointing and saying, who would you rather live with? But it was a very from what I mean, I'm I'm the piecing this together, but but from what I can remember, it was um uh put before us, you know, who would you rather type language. And you know, when you when you have to, when whenever adults put the kids in an impossible moment like that, um, number one, it's pretty dumb. I mean, it's pretty, it's pretty insane and dumb. Mom or dad at that time, neither one was abusive. I mean, they they both cared for us. Um, their marriage was just wrecked. So it's not like we were running from a dad who beat us. Man, he loved us well at the time. Like it wasn't, as far as I can remember, I mean, he he he provided for us and all those things. Same with mom. I mean, and so I would say, just simply put, don't charge a kid with the choice they make in a moment like that. Um, and I wonder all the time, I mean, did was dad bad because of the choice or the or the way I leaned or whatever I said or the action that day. I don't remember how that went. And and I undoubtedly a grown man wasn't mad at a sub-10-year-old for walking over toward mama who put the band-aid on his knee. When you know what I'm saying, like it's it's undoubtedly he he wasn't, but it could have been that hinge point for him. I don't know, but there's no way as an adult that you should be mad or or upset to the point of walking away uh from your kids um instead embrace that and love them well, you know, is what I would charge anybody with.

unknown 14:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:56

I think about the Craig Rochelle, and and this is for our listeners. So um, if you're listening, you're processing, you're thinking, I want to invite you to continue to think, continue to listen, because our goal through this conversation is healing, and we want to see you have strong relationships. But I'm reminded of a Craig Rochelle quote and it says a lie beliefs functions as truth, even when it's a lie. And so I know that for some men, they can end up believing things that aren't true, and as a result, make decisions that lead them down a path of destruction. Yes, and when I hear you sharing from your positioning, you would want your father and men to know that don't give up, don't quit, continue to win and pursue your children, don't give up, don't give in. Because I do believe there's two versions of all of us. There's a version that looks like the best version of us, which is led by the spirit, and then there's a version that's the worst version of us, and it's led by the flesh. Yes, as you look back over how that formed your identity from your father not picking you up. What did that kind of reinforce inside of you as you got older and become a teenager and as your mom even remarried?

SPEAKER_00 16:20

You know, that was one of those things. Man, I can I can remember this. Is the way I describe it, and this is a bit dramatic, but just let me let me give you my thoughts. That was really the moment where it seemed like life began to unravel. Um, whenever that relationship with dad kind of was cut off or or stopped existing, or whatever, whatever it was. Dad eventually got remarried too, and um that lady had two daughters, and then him and her had a son. So I had a half-brother through all of that. Um I and that's another thing that he, I mean, he was absorbed with his new family, which I'm not I'm not mad at that. That's that's ridiculous. But um, you know, we were over here as this thing began to unravel, which led down a trail of just insane things, abuse and on every level, um, drugs. Uh not not me, but I was around those things. Um, you know, mom who was trying her best, but but I mean, nobody's perfect. Let's get real uh for a minute. And so for me, it wasn't a downward spiral necessarily, but it was the moment that marked the decaying, if you will, of of what I knew as good and regular and normal. Um, you know, guys from my church, I didn't realize what they were doing at the time. Uh, one of them's name uh was Doug. Um, he would come pick us up and take us to church or take us to uh Royal Ambassadors back in the day, if you remember RA's or our kids' ministry or youth ministry, and and and I didn't know what he was doing. Him and another guy would always come and get us and do these things. It's like, man, they were just loving us and discipling us without before that was even popular or cool, you know, like, and so as there were some major things in my life that were not there, even before this is the part that I can't get over, even before I loved the Lord, the Lord was loving me and was putting things in my life that that was not in place of that relationship with dad, but but in that moment helped mold and guide uh those years through middle school and high school, which were horrific. Um so it was a long journey, but here we are.

SPEAKER_02 18:48

I want to thank you for taking time to listen to this story. And if there's something inside of here that is adding value to you, I want you to stop and hit subscribe. I am on mission to help men become the dads they never had. Many of us struggle with father wounds, addictions, identity issues, and really what we need is we need a model. We need to see people that have broken the patterns and come alongside of them. I want to simply invite you to join me on the journey. Every Thursday, we're gonna release a new episode. Each episode is gonna help you and others become the dads they never had. Hit subscribe and share with a friend. Now let's get back to the story. Yeah, you said your your mom ended up remarrying, and then you started sparing experiencing a decay of what maybe family and home could look like. Yeah, and if we really had to put a a pin on what became the decay, it sounds like a potential affairs were taking place on one side or the other. This is a reminder. Uh, would you agree with that or disagree?

SPEAKER_00 20:02

I yeah, I would say that that their marriage, as far as I'm aware, uh that's a key part of this whole conversation right here. There's things, obviously, as a kid I didn't know. Uh, but as you grow up and as you start asking questions, um, I would say that there was um affairs, I don't know to what degree, I don't know with who, I don't none of that don't know, it don't matter in a sense now, but that was the point where it started getting off of the rails. If if if yes, I would put a pen right there if I had to.

SPEAKER_02 20:36

Yeah, the reason I want to do that is that anybody that's listening, the faithfulness of us inside of our marriage is is not just for us, it's it's for our legacies. And so if you want to start with the end in mind, when you get married, when you're pursuing, you don't always need to get a new spouse. You want to work through what's called reconciliation because generational faithfulness and legacies can be created if we choose to work through things that frustrate us about others, and forgiveness can be found and had and given to those that have both committed affairs or adultery and those who have been committed against. And so I want to encourage anybody that's listening that God desires to restore and to reconcile and to make all things new. And by us pursuing that, we can live out this thing called multi-generational faithfulness, which is something in our society that we need to see more of. You shared with me in inside of just prepping for this that you had a season that was very difficult. It was the passing of your grandfather. Could you mind sharing a little bit about that?

SPEAKER_00 21:54

Yeah. So I can, this was ninth grade year. Um, I can remember this one. Um, um he had he had had several heart issues and attacks heart attacks and um he was in the hospital and we went to see him and we had final exams in december right before the holidays and um he was kind of my guy i mean he was he had become um he was tough man papa smith he was he was tough but but kind he he demanded hard work but with compassion um man we bailed hay together fixed fences together um you know all those things i i still got a few things that he would pay me like we were spreading hay one day and he gave me a pocket knife and it's in my you know it's it's it's locked up and secure it's not worth anything but it's worth everything you know and um him and my mama my my my grandmother which is my the these are my mom's parents um which my dad's parents and I remained in touch the best we could with the awkwardness that existed um even until they died I went to their services and all those things but but my papa um he was he was the guy and I was about 15 years old in the ninth grade uh whenever he went in the hospital and we went to see him and I'll never forget um he told me he said hey I need you to take care of your mama if I don't make it through this surgery and I was and I can remember that moment saying oh man you're gonna be fine you know you're gonna be fine but I got my mom don't worry and he didn't make it out of the operating room um through that and so that was a that was a major hit not just for me but for but for our whole our whole family of course um but that was one of those foundational bricks in my life that uh was no longer there and um and so after that you know we had to find a new rhythm and a new normal but uh man I wish my kids could have known him um you know I wish that my wife never met him and he was just such a dude you know what I mean just a um he was a a bowler maker by trade and then retired and painted houses and just worked man just just worked um and so not to mention he loved Jesus and his family so um a strong influence was was gone again um in that moment you got Clint Eastwood and and John Wayne all wrapped into one yeah what a blessing to be able to to have that in your life and this podcast exists so we can give that one day to our great grandkids and our grandkids yes and so know that that is the reason we're doing this is try to encourage men to finish this life as godly men husbands and fathers and so we need community we need God's word we need a spirit we need reconciliation before you got reconciled to God let's talk about a transformational story here in a second but if I would have met you your senior year what kind of music did you listen to what kind of vehicle did you drive what kind of who would I have met if I would have met you in as a senior you would have met a very very I man I was angry I was I was you know I played ball in high school uh football um but that was the way that I controlled that the best I knew how my coaches um helped keep me out of the ditch um again I mean God was putting people there that I couldn't even rationalize what he was doing or even imagine um I drove a I I drove a red forward ranger um way back when before they look like they do now a red forward ranger all the music like Creed uh let's think uh even Dr. Dre you know uh that was in that era um uh let me think man I've just sitting here Master P you remember Master P dude like all that stuff yeah yeah yeah like yeah I mean that takes you way back right there bro but I was living my life in survival mode um I was living by myself on my own um starting in September of my 12th grade year and so I was going to high school had a couple of jobs paying rent light bills and all those things um through all of those things I was just in survival mode and um at that time I was dating who's my wife now of course um but we but we were dating and uh that that that kept me out of the ditch too you know uh first time in a long time there was somebody there constantly in my corner and um it was a breath of fresh air to know that I could call her or rely on her and God has just really shored that up over our almost 24 years of marriage now.

SPEAKER_02 27:12

So um yeah man but I was I was I wasn't great I wasn't great so um yeah yeah I had a Ford Ranger my car wreck experience if you've listened to my story at all has a Ford Ranger coming through my Honda Prelude it was green and it left a white stripe a green stripe on my white Tommy heel figure shirt oh man come off you just say Master P I was an idiot as a kid and it's I'm gonna transition to your your encounter with Jesus here in a second. Yeah but there was a song that Master P would sing and it was Attention all ladies the candy man's on the prow and for those that want to get busy you got to speak up now and that was my answering service on my telephone so my wife will never listen to this but she would remember me having that as my my voice message and I can't believe you said Master P but make them say make them say uh you know I mean like so funny and I had four tens mids and tweets in this little Honda prelude yes insurance prod uh fraud and when I would drive neighborhoods I'd turn that candy man song up and kids would come out thinking that the the ice cream truck had just shown up it was so much fun dude that's a whole that's a lifetime away bro wow but you preach about the Paul on the road to Damascus and the one moment that Jesus changed everything.

SPEAKER_00 28:46

Yes what was your road uh to Damascus man this is my favorite thing to tell right here I hadn't gotten over this yet um so coming out of high school I was on track to go into law enforcement that's what I had planned on doing and what I wanted to do and my wife was going or my fiance at the time was going into nursing school and um she had a track and I had a track and we were doing our thing going to a little community college there where we're from and um we went to an event with the with the Baptist collegiate ministry one night there um just because that's just kind of what you did. I mean it was a free event I think I had food there don't forget I was living by myself so um went and went and got something to eat went to this thing and as the preacher's preaching um the preacher that was speaking um the night before I had been on the worship team that played and led worship in his church there's a part of this that you that we didn't get to but I played music in high school we had a contemporary Christian band and all those things uh before I knew the Lord by the way which was an interesting curveball there but nonetheless um we were in this in this moment and and at the end of the service um this guy said hey turn to your neighbor and ask them if they died right now would they be in the presence of Jesus and my wife at the time or or are now I'm sorry my wife now looked at me and said it kind of laughing kind of uh not half-hearted but like this is a weird question to ask me because you know I just led worship I've been in church and all those things and for the first time in my life I didn't have an answer for that question and I began to cry I began to weep and I said I got to go down front and she said what far I mean this is paraphrased of course I said I need to go talk to David and so I went down and I said David I I need to be saved and he said what are you talking about and I was like man I for the first time in my life I recognized that I've been running from Jesus and I want to run to him and I can't do this anymore man I'm done you know and so that night January 22nd 2002 at that Baptist collegiate ministry event um at the altar in that room I I I got down and and just begged God to save me and forgive me and to make everything in my life make sense. And brother I'm telling you he he not only did he do that psalm says he picked me up out of the clay out of the pit set my feet upon a rock gave me a new song to sing uh man he completely transformed or is transforming my life um got through with that spring the semester of of college withdrew started taking um some Bible classes because during that time I felt like God was doing something in my life got a speech impediment which is a whole other sidebar conversation um but I battled it all my life spent 10 or 15 years in speech therapy and um felt like God was called me to preach man and argued and ran again from him and until I read where God called Moses bro and in um in chapter four of Exodus and you know Moses says I'm I'm not eloquent I'm slow of speech and tongue and the Lord basically told him to just go and he'll give me the words and man I'm telling you I listen I I there's no way that I can capture this in this short moment but but that night the the Jesus not only sealed my eternity but he changed the trajectory of my life and bro listen I can sit here this morning and say this as hard as this may be for people to hear I am so grateful that my parents busted up I'm so grateful that I endured what I endured as a kid that God protected me through even some of the darkest and toughest moments that there's no reason to even share right here. I'm so thankful for those things. I'm grateful for my speech impediment I'm you know all the things that I thought were dark man God redeemed those things. And it's this moment of there's not many people that can come and sit in that chair right there and say hey Pastor Jason you have no idea what I'm going through try me you know try me let's let's make a run at this uh because man i'm I'm telling you God's used the divorce he's used the brokenness he's used the abuse he's used the deserting he's used the emotional and the physical in ways bro that are are incalculable i mean just just unreal and it started January 22nd 2002 so good and for our listeners God's will is not only for that to happen inside of Jason's life but also inside of your life and for those that you influence and impact every day you are called to be his presence his image his witness everywhere that you are and as you started learning to call God your father do you recognize that you had maybe some wounds from the past that were affecting your presentation man one of the things that I've told counselors through the years as you can imagine I've I spent some time in counseling and that's another thing brother that's not a marker of weakness that's that's a tool God's placed in our life to help us grow right so don't be ashamed of that word either. But processing all of those things man for so many years everybody that loved me or that was supposed to hurt me the worst kind of thing like there was this there was this battle in my mind. And so for the longest time I thought the Lord was going to leave me like I thought you know this was going to break as well this relationship was going to break or whatever. I know that sounds dumb but that's the way I was processing this. And then you realize that he's a father to the fatherless and that he'll never leave you or forsake you or nothing will separate you from his love or cast your cares upon him because he cares about you. And uh man don't worry about tomorrow for tomorrow worry about itself. Just all of these promises that that you read, man, they're not words on paper. They're words in and on our hearts from the mouth of God. And it's like we can rest in this dude we can't rest in worldly relationships as much as we want everything to be great worldly relationships are built around flawed people man they may be believers but they're still very flawed. And at some point I'll let you down. You'll let me down. We'll let each other down but Jesus man he sustains and you know through all of that was on my heart. You know I mean he was so I tried I mean I got in touch with him a couple of times when we found out we were having our first son or our son we got a son and a daughter I I I I actually called him and told him what was going on and he told me to forget his number and never call him again. So I hung up that one knowing that was probably it um his dad passed away several years ago I went to the service and dad walked in and I walked up to him which I'm in a suit man you know I'm the preacher uh I'm in a suit um he hadn't seen me in probably 15 years or so at this point 20 and so I walked up to him I stuck my hand out and I said hey dad and he said do I know you I said yeah now there it is again thinking the best brother I said uh I said yeah I'm Jason your oldest son it's been a long time and he said I don't have a son named the Jason and so I man in this moment I had this whole script planned and it just went away and I grabbed his hand and his elbow and I brought him in real close and I said dad I love you man I love you I said I don't know what happened in the past but I want you to know I love you and I'm sorry you lost your dad but I can promise you it's gonna be okay uh we're all gonna miss Papa and so I turned around and I walked off and that was the last time I saw him a year ago man or so year and a half ago I haven't shared this publicly at all so so you're getting this real time uh only a select few people know this I I got an address on him um by the means and the and the ways you know that you can do that and I wrote a letter and um and it took me a month to write it the the whole front page was just you know dad I would love to be reconciled restore relationship meet my wife kids I would love that to happen I don't if if I did anything to hurt you I apologize please accept my my my apology and forgive me and then when you turned it over man I the the it was language like hey our relationship may never exist again and I'm okay with that as long as I know you have a relationship with Jesus and here's how that can happen. In January of 2002 daddy I gave my life to Jesus and he transformed my heart and changed me and gave me a new purpose and called me to ministry and I want you to know that more than I want us to have a relationship. And so I got finished reading it I mean writing it signed it put my contact information on it and here's some good news it didn't get returned to me and so I don't know I haven't heard anything and you're just like that's not good news that's awesome news man that means it landed somewhere um I pray it landed in his hands and the back side of that paper landed on his heart I would give anything to have a cup of coffee with my dad this afternoon but I would give everything to know he's loved Jesus and has surrendered his heart to Jesus um as much as I want comfort in our relationship I want that confirm confirmation and I may not ever get it man but I I I'm trying I'm trying to share the gospel with him. So um thank you just like the Lord yeah man yeah of course yeah you're about to go did you have something else you wanted to share there well I was just gonna say just like it's a great reminder for us as men you know oftentimes we thank God for his grace and we should and his mercy and forgiveness but we also should think thank him for his patience with us. You know nothing's too broke can't be fixed man. Nothing's too lost can't be found. And um even though it's been 35 years that relationship could be fixed that fast if if it's if it's God's will and plan, man. And uh that's my hope.

SPEAKER_02 39:51

It's gonna be my hope until I'm no longer able to hope I guess you know I appreciate you sharing that and I'm aware that our beliefs follow our behaviors and sometimes our behaviors follow our belief.

SPEAKER_00 40:06

When you think back about your encounter with your father what do you what do you believe that he was thinking that made him say that he doesn't have a son I wish I could answer that um but what I will tell you is we I told you we we we look alike uh which is very accurate but ironically enough we have the exact same speech impediment um and so for him to to say you know I'm even on the obituary as a grandson like I to say I don't have a son is it was just so abnormally strange to me.

SPEAKER_02 40:53

Like whether you want me present or not whatever um and in that moment it kind of took me back and you know I had these plans growing up if I ever see daddy I'm gonna you know I'm gonna tell him this and I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna do that man and in that moment my heart was just so overwhelmed and I just eyeball to eyeball pulled in like a bro hug I said daddy I love you man I love you and um that's kind of where that's kind of where it was left and he didn't say anything else after that and I just turned and walked off um but that was the last face-to-face interaction I had with him and now that was probably 10 or 12 years ago if there was a dude who's watching right now or listening let's say it's late at night YouTube is showing uh this to them and they're growing up with some wounds that they got from their father what would you want to say to them about their earthly father man a couple of things I will say and this is just proven to be true in my life wounds will heal but the but the but the remembering of the injury won't ever go away right so wound like whether you cut yourself on the arm with a knife you may have a scar um and you can't help when you look down remember what what made that scar happen um but I would also say that those things man and God has used this line so much in my life those things don't define me they developed me and and when I say they of course the Lord did those things but but but my past the broken relationship all that stuff dad leaving that didn't define me for a long time it did.

SPEAKER_00 42:57

Let me be clear for a long time it did. But when God got a hold of me and changed my life he used those things to develop me. And so now my wife does not have to wonder how insanely in love with her I am she never has to wonder right God has confirmed in my heart that as a husband that I love your wife as Christ loved the church dude it's in there. And so hey I'm chasing that right and then my kids they don't ever have to wonder if dad's going to be home tonight or if dad's leaving because their dad's present man I didn't say perfect. That is not the same word but he's present and because of those things man I'm telling you God has redeemed those things and helped me recognize and realize based on the Bible and and and the truth there what a dad and a husband should be. And so as bad as my life was back then I hope the kids can see And God's done a work in in my daddy's life. You know, like, wow, you know. Um, so I would say those wounds, they there may be some evidence of those wounds ever present, man. Every the Father's Day, I know it's coming, it's not far away. Bro, I dread that day worse than the plague. Not because I don't love my kids. I don't mishear that. I don't don't take that part and put that somewhere. Uh, but but because it's just a reminder, man. I got a dad out there somewhere that just don't want anything to do with me, right? Uh, but my wife and and and my son and daughter have have always made that day so special for me. And uh just a just a strong reminder of how those difficult things were redeemed for good.

SPEAKER_02 44:56

You want to think through everything that we're feeling, experiencing, and those who are watching, I want to close with truth. The truth is this is that the father loves us, and there is there is a love that comes from the father that no earthly father can provide. Yes, and yet when we don't experience the blessing of the father, Matthew 3:17. I learned this from a handful of godly men, Brian Doyle and Robert Lewis, um and Dr. Harp, is there's a blessing as a father that every son desires to hear. And so if you're a father and you've never spoken these words over your kids, if you feel estranged or cut off, or you haven't heard anything from them in a while, if you still have breath in your lungs, I want to invite you to do the blessing over your children. And it's found in Matthew 3:17 and a couple of other spots. Every son desires to hear. Um, I am uh proud of you. You're my son, and I am well pleased with you. And it's really what the Heavenly Father said over top of his son, Jesus. He said, I love you, I'm proud of you, and you're my son. That is the blessing that every son desires to hear. And if you are a father, you need to speak these blessings over your children. And then if you're a child, if you're a son or daughter, I'd say, you need to go get it. And that's what Robert Lewis told me a few weeks ago. Go get the blessing. Ask your father, do you love me? I need to hear you say it. Are you proud of me? Am I your son? By pursuing it, you can experience things that you did not know exist. If your father has passed away, go to the tomb, go to the grave, and just spend some time there. Um, Jason, thank you so much for sharing your story. We're going to close and then I'm going to spend some time in just praying for you. And then thank you for being a guest and sharing your story today.

SPEAKER_01 47:17

Forgiveness is more for you than them.

SPEAKER_00 47:20

I had inner peace for the first time in my life.

SPEAKER_01 47:23

It's just me. Just Jesus.