Why Don't They Love Me?" — James Ludeman on 36 Years Without a Father, Approval Addiction & Being Asked "Will You Be My Dad?" | Dudes Without Dad

SPEAKER_01 0:00

That was not there. The love and and the feeling of being wanted by your family is something that I yearned for. And they have the perfect mom and dad. And man, I wish I had your mom and dad because I love them. Right? You see all this stuff, and you're just like, you go back to that eight-year-old who sits there on the bed and says, Why? Like, why can't I have this? Why is this so far out of reach for me?

SPEAKER_02 0:37

My life is just spyrolling downhill depression, alcoholism, incarceration, death by despair. One guy who showed up is just you. If you can give a man clarity and community, he can start to live out his purpose. You can break generational curses of alcoholism.

SPEAKER_00 0:53

Welcome to Dudes Without Dads, the show that trains men how to become the dads they never had. James, welcome.

SPEAKER_01 1:06

Good to be here. Gosh, your beard is so fantastic. I love it. I'm I'm I'm a big fan. Uh as you can see, I'm trying to get there. Uh my dad, uh ironically, ironically enough, my dad has, I think, the greatest beard of all time. Like his is like full Santa Claus. Oh, like straight up full beard. I love it. I'm never, I don't think I'm ever gonna get there, but so we're working hard toward it.

SPEAKER_00 1:32

Yeah, don't stop working, you'll get there. So hey, let's start off by you just telling everybody your your your full name and a little bit about where you're from.

SPEAKER_01 1:43

Yeah, so I'm James Ludeman, uh, just a normal, everyday working guy. Uh grew up in Florida, uh, St. Petersburg more specifically, and uh that's really kind of where all this took place most of my adult life. And then I've served in ministry in one form or another uh in Florida, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi. Uh pretty much like to stay in the southern region of the United States, if you will. Uh, but uh currently living in Tennessee now, uh, live about an hour outside of Nashville. So um yeah, it's been it's been a journey through travel. I could I talk about just my travel experience, but uh that's not obviously why we're here. But yeah, every every uh everything really went down in Florida where I grew up, and and uh I don't miss it at all. People are like, Oh, you like the beach and all that? Nope, not for me. I'm I'm good.

SPEAKER_00 2:41

Well, why don't we go back there and let's start at the beginning. What was your childhood like?

SPEAKER_01 2:50

Man, um my childhood was very it was like think of the best roller coaster you've ever been on, and and that's probably where I was, right? Like that's uh looking back on it, and and when we talked about doing this, I've tried to like recollect memories of things that I went through, like growing up as a child, and how the good times were there, and there were not so good times there. Um, but really I I grew up in a very broken situation from the beginning. You know, when I was born, uh my grandmother was a part of that, and she kind of comes into the story a little bit later, but um my grandmother was a big part of my life and filled the role of mom and dad in a lot of ways. Um, I knew who my mom was. Still to this day, 36 years later, I never met my biological father. I'm not even sure who he is at this point. Uh my mom can't seem to tell me. Uh, I don't know. My mom was younger when she had me. She was 17 uh years old. So she, you know, who who knows what took place, obviously, before I was born. Uh, but but yeah, we we started right out of the gate with that, you know, growing up uh without that fatherly role model, if you will, lived with my grandmother um and my mom in the same trailer uh for the first four years of my life. And then my grandmother eventually bought her first house, and there was a big to-do with uh the state of Florida, um seeming seeing my mom as unfit. So I was taken from her when I was four. Um, and and basically my grandma's like, I'm not watching my baby go through foster care. You know, I'm not she she refused uh to allow that to happen. And uh so I I lived with her for most for pretty much my entire life, uh, until I became an adult, obviously. But um yeah, man, it was it was trouble in paradise right out of the get-go. Uh even looking back on it. Um, I don't know how my grandma did it, to be honest with you. She really stepped up and and and raised me the best way she knew how. And uh that was really good. But yeah, coming out of coming out of just being born and and going through all that stuff, you know, not knowing who your biological father is, is it can be difficult. Uh, it could be a challenge, uh, especially for health reasons, right? You know, like who do you talk to if you have potential health problems in your life? Well, you can talk to your mom, uh, but when you don't really have that option uh with your dad, it it can get a little muddy for some people. Um, thankfully, thanks be to God, I guess. I I've not had any of those issues. Um, but that is something that you know I I think people should think more about um when they're going through that. But yeah, man, we we we started the journey uphill on the roller coaster very early on, and uh it was a tall mountain to climb, but uh yeah, it was a tough beginning.

SPEAKER_00 6:02

When you look back on your childhood, how old are you today?

SPEAKER_01 6:06

36.

SPEAKER_00 6:08

And so when you look back, you know, 25, 30 years ago, a lot of times you'll see there were some some highs in your life and there were some lows. Can you remember a couple of events that were were really good and maybe a couple that were really bad?

SPEAKER_01 6:25

Yeah, I mean, I I'll start with the the bad because I feel like you know, when you talk about these stories, it's easy to focus on the bad things, right? Uh, those seem to come a lot easier to memory, and it's unfortunate um that those have to come to memory first, uh, especially, you know, when you've grown up in a broken home and seeing uh what I've seen um in my own life. So, you know, to me, I remember a specific time where uh I live with my grandmother at this point, I think I was about eight or nine. And I remember my mom calls me on the phone and she's like, Hey, can you come over? And she was with my, I guess, stepfather. They never got married, but uh he's basically been my dad for 30 years, right? I'm I've known him for most of my life, and so I remember uh getting a phone call from them saying, Hey, can you come over? And I told my grandmother, I was like, Hey, can you, you know, can you bring me over there? They want me to come over. And so um, she did. She brought me over, and I remember uh I got to the trailer and I it was the door was locked, and I had no idea why the door was locked, the door was never locked. Um, and so I knocked, knocked, knocked, knocked on every window with the trailer. There were probably about 15 of them, went around the whole entire thing, just knock, knock, knock, mom, dad, mom, dad, just kept knocking and knocking. And uh nobody answered. And so my grandma's like, Well, I can't just leave you here, so you're gonna have to just get in the car. And I remember I I didn't cry that time, and I just sat, I remember this so vividly. I just sat in the front seat and I just I looked out the window and I just saw stuff flying by me, trees, all this stuff, just vivid memories of this. And so I remember I got home and my grandmother told me this story after because I didn't remember this part, but she did. I went to my room and I just sat on my bed, and I didn't like whine or cry or anything like that, like you know, children they do at times, right? They kind of do this whining, crying, and you can hear them and it's audible and you hear it. I just sat there with tears just just streaming right down my face. And my grandmother said she walked in, and the only question that I could ask was, Why are they doing this to me? And she knew who I was talking about. Like it was it was very evident. Um, she said, Why don't they love me? That's what I said. Why don't they love me? You know, why don't they care about me? Why would they invite me over to just not be there? Right. And and and and that's a lot. That's a lot to hear even later on in life. Like when I look back at those bad times, like that was a lot of the root issue, I think, that I had to deal with was the question of why. Why am I not good enough? You know, why and I think we deal with that even as adults, right? We go through this period of why am I not good enough for this, or why am I not good enough for that. But as a child, when you when you see your parents going through this stuff, and I've seen a lot uh in my life, I've seen drug addiction, uh, alcoholics, uh, all in my house, all at the same time. I've seen my mom do drugs, I've seen my dad do drugs, I've seen my both of them do alcohol. Um you know, I I've I've seen all of these things, but I could never grasp the idea of why they would not love me in the way that I thought that I needed to be. And so my grandmother again, and I'm gonna mention her several times just because she was my rock. Uh, but she was the first person there to hug me and say, they love you. You know, they just are going through a lot. And and I think that's if I could sum up my story, is I love you, but I'm going through a lot. That that I heard a lot of my life, right? Eventually, you just get to the point, well, can you just love me and not go through a lot? Like, could we just move on from the the latter portion of this statement? Uh, and so it it was a lot of that growing up. And you know, the good times I remember, like, for instance, my stepdad, I his name is Bill. I I remember uh he taught me how to ride a bike in Toys R Us. I'll never forget that. Like, if you had never ridden your bike in Toys R Us, you have not lived, right? I taught my son later on to ride his bike in Walmart just because there's no Toys R Us. If there was a Toys R Us, it would have been no option, right? So I remember those times, and I remember uh going in the trail park we lived in, we had this uh uh driveway that was made of all shells. I don't I don't they didn't do gravel or concrete or any of that, it was just shells. They would go get all these shells from the beach and they would just dump them, and that was the driveway. Uh so my dad and I we we'd find shark's teeth all the time. Like you didn't have to go to the beach, you could just walk right outside and find stuff. Uh I remember my dad and I riding bikes. I remember all three of us, we didn't have a car. My grandmother had the only car. We would bike everywhere when I was with them. And uh, so we would we would bike to the grocery store and back. And and you're talking probably, you know, we could tell the whole uh 30 miles uphill both ways story, right? But this is like a solid 10 mile, you know, 10-15 mile ride. And uh I remember just having my bike with grocery bags all on the side of the handlebars, and I'd be like trying to hold my balance and ride with these uh grocery bags on us, and my mom would have the same thing, and we brought this little buggy, and my dad would tow it, and so we'd put all the groceries in there, and I just I remember these things, and it was just so much fun. I thought we were living the life, right? Like I didn't realize the internal struggle of my parents because uh they they did everything they could to their credit, they did everything they could to shield me from what was going on, and and there are a lot of things even today like that I have found out that they've done. I'm like, wow, I'm glad I didn't know that. You know, like I'm glad I didn't know what all that I know uh today. But one other cool story, I I remember we were walking uh down the down this group of railroad tracks, and I wish to death, Josh, I wish I had a video camera because we would have won America's funniest home videos hands down. We there would have been no competition on this video. So we're walking down these railroad tracks, and I see this sign off in the distance, right? Like one of those railroad crossing signs, and I start taking these big railroad rocks. You know what those look like, right? The big, I mean, they're just thick and and huge, and you can get good distance on them. So I start picking them up and throwing them, trying to hit this sign from probably about I don't know, maybe 20, 25, 30 yards. And uh so I'm trying to throw it, I'm trying to hit it, and I just I keep missing, I'm just not hitting it. And so my dad starts picking them up and just bink, bink, hits the sign every single time. And I'm like, this is ridiculous. I'm I am trying so hard to hit this sign. So I have this idea. I take this big rock and I run as fast as possible. I mean, booking it toward this sign, and I release and it hits that sign so perfect that it bounces off the sign and smacks me right in the face. I mean, just I my mom and dad still to this day describe that, and and they just start laughing, even when they're talking about it. And and I just I give them grief. I'm like, well, well, how would you let your son do that? You just sit there and laugh at me. But let's be honest, my my son and my kids have done things where I've just I've just had to laugh. It's just funny. Uh, so though those are some times like we we shared some good memories. It's not all doom and gloom, right? And I think a lot of times when we grow up in challenging scenarios, challenging situations, like I mentioned before, like it's very easy to focus on the negative, right? And I think in my own personal story, I have tried so hard to not focus on all the negative stuff I went through, like with my especially with my family. And uh it's tough, it's hard to do, and I'm not saying it's easy, and I'm not saying you ever forget that stuff, or or nor should you. Um, but it to me, that's the way that I've kind of coped and dealt with a lot of the ups and downs of of life.

SPEAKER_00 15:12

At what age would you say you first realized that not having a dad who loved you or was in your life was really affecting you?

SPEAKER_01 15:23

I'd say I was pretty, I was I was probably about 12, 13. I I think that's really when it hit me hardest. Um and again, I I was never I was never a bad kid, I would say. Like there are those who know me that are like, yeah, okay. But that I was never like a bad kid, like getting into trouble. But I will say I noticed it a lot more in here in my heart than I did out in the open, right? I I had Bill, my stepdad, who really was kind of that fatherly figure, if you will. But they again, as I mentioned, they had their own demons and their own things that they were going through. Um, but I remember there'd be times, you know, when we would have school events or or stuff like that, and and we'd have parents come in and talk about their jobs, right? Bring, you know, career day, all that kind of stuff. Like I remember I couldn't invite my dad because it was just I just couldn't get past what he did. Um, my dad worked in a nursery, uh, a tree nursery for 20 plus years of his life, did a lot of really cool stuff. Um, but it it was just not, it was never in the cards for me to be like, hey, can you come and speak in my school when I know for a fact I know what you're doing, right? So I never I never thought about it. Um, and then there'd be times when I would have competitions and and uh stuff like that and games and all that, and it they just they were never there. And I look back on it now, and I I really start to she see a shift of my mindset right around that 12-13 mark. And ironically, that's when I stopped. I was going to church pretty actively uh as a kid and going through that, and I had just stopped. My grandmother was like, I'm not gonna force you to go anymore because it's just it's exhausting. Um, so I would just I just stay home, I wouldn't do anything. Um, and that's when things really started to, I don't want to say unravel because I think that's a bad word, but but in my life, I feel like if I could pinpoint a specific time where I went through addiction, uh and I was be transparent with you because it's the only way I know how to be. Like I I spent those times at home on my computer, and I know you know what that means. If you're listening, I'm pretty sure you know, but the addiction with pornography and things like that, that's when those things started to happen. When I felt like I had to insert something into my life that was not there. The love and and the feeling of being wanted by your family is something that I yearned for, and I had it to a degree with my grandmother, but I didn't have it in the way that that it that I thought it should have been, right? You watch all these shows growing up, and you see all these friends, and you go to friends' houses and do all this stuff, and they have the perfect mom and dad. And man, I wish I had your mom and dad because I love them, right? You you see all this stuff, and you're just like you you go back to that eight-year-old who sits there on the bed and says, Why? Like, why can't I have this? Why is this so far out of reach for me? And I remember, you know, making a vow one day to myself, and I thankfully I've been able to live up to that, to my opinion. But I said, if I ever become a parent, I will never put them through anything like what I have gone through in my life. And thankfully, my faults and mistakes are still there, but I I have never once made my kids feel like they're not loved, appreciated, or wanted. And and that was a big deal for me. Um and it's you know, it's tough. It's tough when you insert addiction, no matter what it is, into an empty space in your heart. And it just takes you over.

SPEAKER_00 19:40

Let's pretend for a second. Let's pretend that you had a dad in your life who loved you, who held you, who spoke inside you, believed in you. What event in your life would that have presented in your life? I want to thank you for taking time to listen to this story. And if there's something inside of here that is adding value to you, I want you to stop and hit subscribe. I am on mission to help men become the dad they never had. Many of us struggle with father wounds, addictions, identity issues, and really what we need is we need a model. We need to see people that have broken the patent and come alongside of them. I want to simply invite you to join me on the journey. Every Thursday, we're gonna release a new episode. Each episode is gonna help you and others become the dads they never had. Hit subscribe and share with a friend. Now let's get back to the story.

SPEAKER_01 20:47

I I would honestly say to that, and that's such a deep question, I love it. Uh, I would honestly say to that, I really feel like if I had the support and the I I don't want to say firmness, maybe that's not the right word, but the discipline, I think that's a good word, to avoid any kind of specific temptation, as I as I mentioned before. Um I did a lot of what I did in my life because I just always felt empty. And you know, I look at it like a cup, right? Like we always like to talk about cups for some reason. Uh I I never looked to God to fill my cup. I never looked to Jesus to fill my cup when I was going through all that stuff. That was way before I had a relationship with Christ. But I looked at my cup as my emotional point of okay, my my mom and dad aren't here, my cup's not getting filled. Uh, my nobody comes to my game, my cup's not getting filled. And I feel like if I had that fatherly thing, and this and this may sound like sour grapes, and I'm so If it does, and who knows what would have happened, Josh. Like I look back on it and say, What could have been? You know, I had a stepdad basically who did the best he could with what he had. But had I not had to deal with all the addictions and all the drinking and everything that I saw, just from a visual standpoint, I feel like I may have turned out a lot better even today than where I am. Who knows what my life would look like today had I had a firmer foundation from a family perspective. You know, and that's it's a tough question to answer because you you can look back, hindsight is always behind us, right? So it's you can look back on it and say, what would it have been? Now I will say to counter that point, I am grateful for what I went through. That that's that's the side of this that I think people don't see is the the gratefulness of dealing with everything that I have seen. Um, it turned me into a better father, it turned me into a better husband, it turned me into a better person, being able to go through the challenges that I've seen and the things that I've dealt with. And so you can look back on it from either perspective, but I I feel like sometimes I do think like, how much different would my life be today had I had these foundational tools in place? And it's hard not to think about it sometimes, but uh on the other hand, I I try not to dwell on what could have been and just make do with with what is.

SPEAKER_00 23:41

I won't speak too much inside of here. But I for me the consequences of what I didn't have is actually played out in the way that I uh treat other people. So like I wonder if I wouldn't be a more loving husband or father and wouldn't have created wounds, you know, because we carry father wounds. Let me ask you a question. Um, do you recall a rock bottom spot in your life where you just felt like, man, I've become the man that I didn't want to be?

SPEAKER_01 24:25

Yeah. Um wow. So it actually didn't happen until a little bit later in my life, and because I I'm not gonna mention this person's name just because there's no reason to do that. Um I remember I was 20, I think I was 20, 21 years old. And I looked so hard for love just because just because like it's something I had never truly had in my life. Like, yes, I had the love of my parents and and grandparents and stuff like that, and friends and all that stuff, but but I never had the love that I yearned to have, right? And this goes back to the foundation that we talked about with mom and dad, right? My foundation was already shaky on what I was seeing, so I I tried everything I could to make sure that that same foundation wasn't shaky in my own life. And when I was 20, I think I was 20, 21 years old, I um ended up well, I had to have been 21 because this happened. Um, I ended up going to uh a restaurant with a friend, and we had started you know drinking and doing all this stuff, and I remember I I started feeling myself getting more and more out of control, and uh I I just I was I was completely out of my element, and you know, I'm an outgoing guy, I love that stuff, so I'm never gonna say like when enough's enough. And I actually ended up driving that night to a hotel with with my friend, and yeah, I was completely inebriated, like gone. I was I don't even know to be honest with you, Josh. Like, I look I think about it, and I just there is no reason that I should be here today, like none. I was so I remember it, but I I was just I don't know how it happened. So we ended up going to the hotel and hooking up, and I remember the next morning she was gone, she left. I was just a one-night stand. So I I went through all of the emotion that night, right? Like drinking, getting in a car and driving, making it to a hotel when I was a nervous wreck, going through all the stuff that I did in the hotel, and then getting stood up and left the next day. All five of those things happen within it within a 12-hour span of each other. And I remember like that was the moment to me. That was my rock bottom. I was like, something's gotta change here. Uh, that that is really where I hit it. And listen, I I would love to sit here on this show and on this podcast and be like, oh, well, that's my dad's fault. Like, that's that's my mom's fault that that happened. It's not, it's personal accountability, personal responsibility. But I will say, and I've always said this, I think and truly believe that if I had a better foundation growing up, that some of these things would have never even been possible. Like we just talked about it, right? When you build the foundation, family foundation, and it's solid, you hope and pray that your kids don't make the same mistakes as you do. And that's a part of building. I never had that, right? I never had somebody to tell me, like you heard people say, well, drinking and driving is bad. So that would that was just stupid. I crossed that one out. But I I never had people to invest in me early in my life, later on I did, but early in my life, to say, hey, listen, we don't do this for this reason, right? And so I made a lot of bad decisions growing up and even into my 20s, that I look back on and go, man, what was I thinking? Like, why would I do this? Like, it is a miracle that I am not dead or someone else is not dead. And it's a miracle that that I'm sitting here today even talking about it. And I look back and go, man, if I had learned that stuff early on, maybe I wouldn't have made those mistakes. Now, again, it does come down to personal responsibility and acceptance and to to grow and learn from mistakes, and that's a mistake, thankfully, that I've never made again, and that I have will never make again and grow from uh is because of that. But man, that those those years from 18 to 24, I've heard people say this before, and I'm sure you've heard it before, you may have even said it. Those years from 18 to 24 are probably the toughest years of your life because you're trying to find your purpose, your sense of self, your uh career is starting, college, you know, whatever the case may be. And you know, I I was not immune to that. You know, those years I can look back on from 18 to 24 were granted self-inflicted in some of those issues, but uh I can look back on those and said, man, if I had just built a better foundation growing up and had more opportunity to see grace and to see love and to see trust and to see whatever else, what would my life have looked like during those years of foundation and transformation? Um, so that's that that was a point where I went, all right, I gotta take a real hard look in the mirror here and and try to get this right because that was not my highest uh moment.

SPEAKER_00 30:31

So you you mentioned that this was the moment that kind of changed everything. Was there a a transformational moment where where that catalyst of man, I can't live this way, where faith or where where there's a redemption story that took place for you?

SPEAKER_01 30:56

Yeah, I mean, listen, I and I I left out the part, you know, when I was about 15 years old, I found a church. And uh, I won't lie to you, I only found a church because I saw a girl from youth group who was fine, okay? Like absolutely insane at the time. And so I I had started going to church because of a girl, and go figure that girl was there two weeks and never came back, and it wasn't because of me, but she just had never like she had shown up here and there, but she was not consistent. Uh, so that was, I guess, just a God thing to say, hey, you know, get your butt and gear here. Um, but yeah, so you know, I had started going through church. I went on a missions trip about a month, a month and a half later, uh, we had gone to Jackson, Mississippi, and it was my first time out of the state, first time traveling, first time missions trip, first time for a lot of stuff that weekend or that week. And I remember we were at a community center in Jackson and we were doing a worship service, and I remember just when we were done playing, because I was playing the the congas uh in the band, and I remember we were done playing, and I just I walked outside and just started weeping. Um, I wept because that emptiness that I felt growing up, the emptiness that I saw in my life could only be filled by by Jesus. And and I'll admit to you, uh Josh, and I'll admit to everybody listening here, um I have not, and this may surprise you, I have not always been perfect in my walk with God. And I and truth be told, no one ever is, and no one ever will be. Um but I remember this specific moment of I felt a peace that just transcends understanding. I know that sounds cliche, and a lot of people say that, and but there was a peace, there was a a hole that was filled in with the love and the grace that only Jesus could give, right? And I'll admit to you, um that that hurt from a standpoint of where was this my whole life? You know, I never felt that when I was a kid. Like I remember uh my my grandmother when I was seven, uh, I came home from church camp, and I remember a lot about the church camp, but I specifically remember sitting outside and asking God to come into my heart that night when I was seven years old. And and I don't know why that's so vividly in my mind, but I remember talking to my grandmother about it, and she was just over the moon. And I remember talking to my mom and dad about it, and they were just like, oh, that's cool. Like, like, come on, like this is a like I get that I'm seven, and and I have an eight-year-old uh son who tells me stuff sometimes, and I'm just like, why do I need to know that? Like, there's no I don't need to know that you just won a crown in Fortnite. Like, I that's not important to me. But you know, it's it's just the mindset of where we were at the time, right? When when something my grandmother was really ecstatic about and saying, Man, this is great, was not repro uh receptive to my parents who I really wanted the approval from, right? And and I think if I could put myself in a situation or in a in a in a story, if you will, that would be the thing that I have struggled with even into my days today, is the approval of other people. Um, the the approval of if I do something, is it selfish to ask yes? But I I want to know that what I did mattered. You know, I want to know that what I do is important to someone. I tell my boss that all the time, like, I'm just trying to earn my spy. You know, like I'm trying to earn your approval. I want you to be like, hey, I'm so glad we hired him. Or whether whether it was church and I was going through pastoral ministry, I wanted those people to be like, man, James is awesome. Like, I I wanted it so bad. And it's because of stuff that I didn't get when I was a kid. Like my my mom and dad and my grandmother never said, Man, I'm so proud of you do such a great job. Like, I never got that stuff. And and yes, I know to some that's a tough thing to hear, but when you're honest with yourself, it can be a tough thing to say. Like, I don't enjoy sitting here saying that I want the approval of other people. You know, I sit here even on this show, and I'm gonna we're gonna hang up here in just a little while, and and I'm gonna go, man, I hope people actually listen to this. Like, I hope what I said matters. Like, and and that stems from, you know, you can stem that from what I grew up with, you can stem that from the list of weaknesses that I have in my life, which there are a few. Uh, but that is one thing that I think if I were to write the story of James, that would be in just about every chapter in my book, is the feeling of inadequacy. And I think that's where addiction comes into play, right? That's where the the pornography addiction came into play. I never was made to feel inadequate by my addiction. Like my addiction never said, Wow, you're terrible. My addiction never said, Wow, good job. My addiction was impartial, my addiction didn't say anything, but it made me feel like I was like I was good, right? And I think that that's where when I look at my mom and my dad and my family situation, I try to remind myself of that often. When I want to get mad about what my family did to me or didn't do for me, I sit there and go, you know what? They went through an addiction that was impartial. They went through an addiction that made them feel good, whether it made us feel bad or whatever, is irrelevant because it was how they made them feel. And so I think to me, you know, when I look back and even now, you know, it's hard. It's a very difficult thing to grow up wanting the love and admiration and respect of not just your peers, but your family, your your significant other, uh, your kids, even, right? Uh there are times uh the funny this is a funny story, but I remember I I've started this weight loss journey, if you will, and I know it looks like I'm doing a great job. Uh, but I I've started this weight loss journey, and uh, I remember I stepped on the scale. This is probably about two or three weeks ago. I step on the scale, and my son goes, Wow, dad, you're really not that fat anymore. And I was like, Really? Like, you this is what you say to me? Like, you the I want the encouragement, like, wow, dad, you lost a lot of weight. No, it's wow, you're not that fat, you know. Like, come on, like, but that's the kind of stuff like my son and I can joke like that because I know he's joking. Um, but but it was never a joke with me. It was I look at every mistake and everything in my life, and whether it was and and to be honest with you, Josh, most of my fault, my doing, and I and I will admit that with as much humility and grace as possible. But if I look at the root cause of that, it's all rooted in the fact that I just have this overwhelming want and need for approval from other people, and it stems from not getting that want or approval when I was walking through my early years of life. You know, I I didn't I didn't just watch me go through this either, by the way. I have three brothers. A lot of people don't know that. I have three brothers, two of them were taken away from my mom and dad, and their dad, who was my stepdad, taken away from them. So I had to watch two of my brothers get taken away by the Department of Children and Families. Uh, my youngest brother, Cody, I watched him get taken physically away in our house. And my grandmother said, I can't do this again. I cannot go through to more another kid getting taken. So he ended up living with us. And so I've seen that side. I have watched a SWAT team come into my house and arrest my mom right in front of me. I mean, you're talking like full automatic SWAT team, mask gear, everything in my house 10:30 at night. I watched it happen. I have I have cleaned dishes, sink piles, and my mom and I still joke, but today about this, but it's not a joke. Like, I have cleaned beer cans piled up in the sink when you're doing dishes nine, 10 years old. Like, I have seen coke, I've seen weed, I've seen whatever you can think of out on the table just sitting there from when they were there the night before. So again, I I've seen so many things in my life, but the one thing that I've yearned for, and the one thing I've always wanted, is just approval from other people. And that stems from unfortunately that all is rooted in uh what I wasn't given growing up.

SPEAKER_00 40:51

Do you have an incredible story of overcoming the home that you were raised in? Or maybe the father wounds that were placed inside your life? If so, I want to share it with other dudes without dads. Simply go to dudeswithoutdads podcast.com and apply to be a guest on the show. The reason it's important to share your story is because when you share what God has done for you, it helps other men believe that God can do it for them. And to share your story, head over to dudes without dads podcast today. Now, how many kids did you say you have?

SPEAKER_01 41:34

So I have two kids. I have a daughter who's about to be 14 next month. Um, crazy. Anyway, and then I have uh an eight-year-old son. And my wife and I have been married uh let's be 10 years uh in October. And it's funny because my daughter is uh she was a part of a previous marriage uh with my my now wife, and just a very, very bad marriage, very abusive. He actually took her and threw her against the wall when she was about eight months old. Uh, just a very bad, bad situation. Um, there I couldn't even imagine. I get mad just thinking about it. Um, but I met her when she was three, and ironically, which is the same time that my stepdad met me, so that was kind of like full circle moment. Um, but I met her and we just we hit it off immediately. We were we were best friends, we were playing, we were running, taught her a lot, she teaches me a lot, and uh I actually adopted her as my own. Her father signed over the rights for her to me, and she became officially my daughter in 2017. Wow. Um, so yeah, so I I uh wanted to make sure that that girl knew that I was her father, and she knows about her dad now, uh, but she has no want or care to have a relationship with him. Um, and her son Seth is obviously mine and my wife.

SPEAKER_00 43:10

So what do you do differently than you know, what your father now that you're a father, what do you do differently?

SPEAKER_01 43:23

I make sure, first of all, that they know they're loved. Whether I'm frustrated with them or happy with them, they know that their dad loves them. I never leave that stone unturned. I tell them every day, way too many times a day, hey, I love you. I my daughter will be so mad at me sometimes. She's like, I want to be frustrated, but I can't be because you're sitting in here going, I love you. Like, I come on. And I will say, uh, I don't use the belt like I got the belt growing up. Uh I just Deserved those those uh those whoapons sometimes, but uh I'm a little bit more kind of like I still you know I'd still spank them when they were growing up, but like never, never like that. Uh discipline-wise, we have very different thoughts on how discipline should be done. Um but as far as like their their life, I have missed one game that they've had once, and that was because of work. And since then, I'm at everything. Travel together, daughter plays travel uh volleyball, son plays travel baseball, football, whatever. I'm at everything I could be at. I show my face, I know they know that I'm on that sideline every game. Uh that was important. Um, but I would say the biggest thing is I I challenge my kids to be better than me. You know, I I I don't think that's something that ever has been a conversation between my dad and I maybe someday we'll have that conversation, hopefully, um before you know he leaves this earth. Um of why he never really challenged me to be better. You know, I he never challenged me one time on hey, you know, grow up. Like he never said that kind of stuff. And I don't know, maybe it's because I wasn't technically his, even though I was. Like, we just never had those conversations. You know, we we never had conversations about about uh you know the birds and the bees, never had that. I learned that from Dawson's Creek. Like we we never had, yeah, Dawson's Creek reference. There you go. Uh I I learned all that stuff through television. So uh we never had those specific conversations, and so I make it a point to maybe probably a little too much, but I think I make it a point to have intentional conversations with my kids about life, right? What they want to do. My daughter, you know, recently has told me she wants to play college ball. Okay, well, let's dig into that. Why do you want to play college ball? Why like I want them to have a vision and a plan. Now, my son's eight, he kind of just you know, he doesn't really get that right now because he's eight years old. Uh, he's just trying to get through his spelling test. But, you know, I I think availability is the biggest thing I do differently than my parents did. And the the second biggest thing I would say, part B to that, is just encouraging them and making sure that they know that their dad is 100% their biggest fan, and that that there's more to life than just playing volleyball or sports, and I think that's really been the biggest thing that I've tried to instill in them. Uh, not perfectly, of course, but you know, trying to grow day by day and and learn, you know, how to be a better dad every day. That's all I can do.

SPEAKER_00 47:02

Yeah, there's two words I would sum all that up in, and it would be present and intentional, which are two things that you definitely didn't receive. Um as a kid. Um I'm gonna wrap it up with a few questions, and this is called, you know, kind of like our reflections and final thoughts. And so I want you to take a second before you answer this question. If you could sit across from your younger self, what would you say to him?

SPEAKER_01 47:37

Oh, don't mess up in college. First thing I would say to him. Uh, finish your degree because now I'm doing it now and I'm kicking myself because I'm you know trying to finish my degree that I should have had done what 10 years ago at this point. Um man.

SPEAKER_00 47:56

Let's go younger.

SPEAKER_01 47:58

Yeah, I know. That was more of a joke. Yeah, that was more of a joke, but yeah.

SPEAKER_00 48:03

Um five, six years old, and you're sitting across from yourself. What would you say to yourself?

SPEAKER_01 48:13

Well, first of all, I I think the first thing I would say is it's gonna be okay. You know, I I I don't think we say that enough, Josh. I I don't think we say to each other, it's gonna be alright. You know, we're gonna make it through this. Um, I think if I'm five or six, I think the biggest thing I would tell myself is don't worry about what other people think. Now, you can be respectful of other people's thoughts and opinions of you, and and and and the last thing I ever want to say is, you know, don't jeopardize your integrity because I think the integrity you have is the only thing you take with you when you grow or when you when you go, when you die. Uh, because the in the life that you leave behind is measured by the integrity you had while you were here, how people remember you. You know, do they remember you as somebody who was uh drinking and driving and doing all this stuff that you weren't supposed to do, or are they remembering you because you were just there for them? And so I think that for me at that age, and you know, we go five, six, eight, nine, whatever, you know, I think the biggest thing that I would tell myself is that I would just say, hey, listen, it may not make sense right now, and it may be tough right now, but it's not always gonna be that way. And one day, when you become a father, it's gonna be the greatest joy you've ever had in your life. Being a father is the greatest blessing that I have ever been given. Being a dad is quite literally, quite literally the best thing that could have ever happened to me. And I love being a husband and I love my wife. Please don't take that the wrong way. But I when I held my son for the first time, or even my daughter, when my daughter first met me, I think one of the second or third times she ever saw me, her first words to me or question to me was, Will you be my dad? And and that hit me so hard because of remembering the stuff that I dealt with. And and I, of course, said yes, and I've been thankfully doing so for the last 10 years, being their dad and being my son's dad. And and I will tell you guys the final thing I would say to myself is enjoy the ride, but don't let the roller coaster affect you. And and I'm sure at six or seven, I'm gonna be like, what are you talking about? Like, I would literally tell my younger self that, especially in my my teenage, if I had a chance to talk to 13-year-old James, that that would be more of what I would tell him. But if I'm talking to five, six years old, it's gonna be okay. It may not make sense right now, but eventually you're gonna see the end game to this. And I think that's something that we should have a conversation about. You know, these hard times, they're they're they're just temporary things. And granted, some people's story, and you're gonna have people come on this this podcast and this show, and I'm so excited um to to see these stories from from all of these different people you're gonna have. And only because, not that I'm trying to compare my story to somebody else's, because everybody's is different, and I think that's what makes it so great that we have a platform to just share a different vantage point than someone else. And I don't listen to those guys, and I hope people don't listen to me and go, Well, my story sucks way worse than his does. Like, my my life was terrible compared to what this guy had. Like, my life was great. Like, like, that's not the point of this. The point is of this, in my thoughts, is if I could share one story about seeing brokenness and addiction affect myself, maybe that will help a father today to stop the addiction that he's going through and to recognize that there are way more important things to go through and to do than to do the negative things that you're doing. Yeah, and if that happens, wonderful. It may never happen, it may happen 20 years from now. Somebody just pops up on this thing and says, Hey, look at this guy. Like it may not happen right away, and that's cool. But I would tell myself that it's gonna be okay, and I would tell all of you that as well. It's gonna be okay. The hard times are temporary, but you can do it and you can get through it, and you will because you're strong, you're men.

SPEAKER_00 53:22

James, this is well said. This is gonna be the final question. I want you to imagine a white room, completely white. Uh, it's got two chairs in it, you're sitting in one, and your dad, biological father, is uh is sitting in the other. And your knees, your elbows are on your knees, his elbows are on his knees, and you're looking at him in the face. If you could say anything to him, what would you say?

SPEAKER_01 53:59

I don't blame you. I don't blame you. If I'm if I'm thirty-six years old sitting there looking at him intently based on what I've been through in my life to this point, and what I saw growing up, I don't blame him. And I would hope and and and and even just envisioning this is is tough. But I would genuinely hope that he would take that and and live his life. I don't I don't know if I would have a relationship after that room. I don't know if I'd want to, maybe, but I I would tell him the same thing that I hope someone would tell me if if I was no matter what it is, not just fatherly, I'm just saying in general, right? We talk about grace all the time, especially in the church, like and granted, my relationship with God now is not probably nearly as strong as it used to be, and I'll admit that. But we talk about grace so often like it's just like it's just expected. But when we face those situations, are we really showing that same grace that Jesus shows us? Because that's what I hope would happen. I would hope that when I stand someday at those gates, that that Jesus would say the same to me that I love you and come walk with me. And so for me to sit here and say, Well, anything other than I forgive you, it's not your fault, and it would just be wrong. Because not having a dad in my life, while yes, it sucked, it was terrible, but not having a dad made me appreciate more of what I have today, and I think that I I respect that more today than I ever have, because had I not gone through that stuff, I don't know what kind of dad I would have been. But now that I've gone through those things and the loss and the brokenness and the uh just everything that I've I've dealt with in my life and the promise that I made to myself that I was going to be the the best dad I could be because of what I've dealt with. Who knows how that would have looked had everything just been silky smooth. And I'm almost glad it wasn't because I learned a lot about myself, learned a lot about how to be a better dad. And quite honestly, I I I don't I don't look back on anything in my life with the exception of college, that and go, man, I regret that. And I just it made me into the person that I am, and God blessed me in more ways than I could have ever thought possible because of it.

SPEAKER_00 57:16

James, I want to thank you for being a guest on the Dudes Without Dads podcast with the frameworks of how to be a dad that you never had. And so it's an honor to share your story with others. And I just want to thank you for being on the show.

SPEAKER_01 57:33

Yes, sir. Thank you guys, and uh appreciate it. Looking forward to hearing the other stories, man. And and Josh, you and I, you know, we're gonna do some great work with this. It's gonna be awesome. I'm excited.

SPEAKER_00 57:44

Lord willing.

SPEAKER_01 57:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 57:47

I'll see you in the future.

SPEAKER_01 57:49

Yes, sir.

SPEAKER_02 57:52

Forgiveness is more for you than that. I had a peace for the first time in my life. It's just me. Just be